Welcome To The Kandid Shop!!

A Kandid Chat on Shame

A Kandid Chat on Shame

On this episode I had the chance to sit down for a much needed and important discussion onshame and guilt with two amazing people:
Author, astrologer and host of Grounded Spirits Podcast, Laura Alyn.
&Shame-guilt educator, Counselor, Filmmaker, and A...

On this episode I had the chance to sit down for a much needed and important discussion on shame and guilt with two amazing people:

Author, astrologer and host of Grounded Spirits Podcast, Laura Alyn.

& Shame-guilt educator, Counselor, Filmmaker, and Author, Lois Hollis

Key Takeaways: ● Shame and guilt negatively impact emotions and can lead to depression, anxiety, and hatred. - Lois Hollis ● Saying no to shame and guilt helps to keep positive emotions like happiness, joy, and confidence. - Lois Hollis ● Moving past shame and guilt is necessary to raise energy vibrations. - Laura Alyn ● Shame and guilt come from various sources, including culture, religion, government, friends, and enemies.- Lois Hollis ● Healing shame and guilt involves learning more about ourselves and setting boundaries.- Laura Alyn ● We cannot talk to shame-guilt, we can only kick it out. - Lois Hollis ● It's crucial to face emotions and learn how to move through them. - Laura Alyn ● Unlearning the mindset of shame and guilt is essential. - Lois Hollis ● Astrology connects shame and guilt to the fourth house, representing family life and deepest wounds. - Laura Alyn ● Collective trauma work can raise the collective consciousness level of humanity. - Laura Alyn

Learning to let go of shame and guilt can be a lifelong journey, but it's a journey worth taking. Acknowledging and working through our trauma, can raise our collective consciousness and help us evolve as a society.

Guest contact info: Laura Alyn https://www.itslauraalyn.com https://www.instagram.com/itslauraalyn




Lois Hollis https://www.loishollis.com/





About My Guests Laura Alyn, a former academic, has transitioned into a fulfilling life focused on personal and societal growth through her company Bel-Esprit Productions. As the founder of this publishing company, she aims to unlock the gates of knowledge through spiritual journeys. Laura is also the host of Grounded Spirits Podcast, which inspires future innovators to achieve & perfect self-expression by connecting with nature, creativity, and themselves. Laura's writing delves into the shadows of society and the human psyche. She has authored spiritual novels, guided journals, and planners. Additionally, she has introduced a series called “All About” which seeks to remove the stigma surrounding dark and taboo subjects through engaging questions, games, and activities. In recent years, Laura has been studying astrology and is now offering Birth Chart Readings. For those interested in learning more about her, her companies, or booking a Birth Chart Reading, please visit her website.

Lois Hollis Lois Hollis RN BSN REV, at 79 years old, is a highly skilled shame-guilt educator, counselor, filmmaker, and author. Lois began her journey to understand and heal the body and mind at the young age of 12 when she volunteered as a nurse's aide. She has since dedicated her life to teaching others how to release shame and guilt from themselves and avoid it from others. Lois has written books, produced documentaries, and offers counseling services, all with the goal of helping individuals overcome negative emotions. Lois' passion and expertise in the field of shame and guilt have made a profound impact on countless people, and her legacy will continue to inspire generations to come.


Intro music: "Welcome To The Kandid Shop" by: Anthony Nelson aka BUSS



Kandidly Kristin


Kandidly Kristin: Hey, hey, Hey, podcast Nation. It is your girl, Kandidly KristIn and this is The Kandid Shop, your number one destination for kandid conversations. If you're new to the show, welcome and thank you for tuning in. If you're a returning listener, thank you for your support and welcome back.

So today we are gonna talk about shame and guilt: what they are, how they're different if they're different, and how to move past them into a healthier space. I am joined for this much-needed and important discussion by two amazing people. Author, host and astrologer, Laura Alyn, and I hope I said that right.

And shame, guilt, educator, counselor, filmmaker, and author, Lois Hollis. Welcome, welcome, welcome ladies to The Kandid Shop.

Lois Hollis: Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Laura Alyn: Thank you so much.

Kandidly Kristin: You're so welcome.

I have been looking forward to this discussion for a while, so let's get into it. Shame and guilt are words that are often used synonymously, but Brene Brown, one of my favorite people in the whole wide world and the leader in shame research, makes the distinction between shame and guilt as this: shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame says I am bad. Guilt says I did something bad. So guilt is, I'm sorry I made a mistake. The shame is, I'm sorry, I am a mistake. So it seems like we're saying guilt is okay and maybe even necessary, but shame is not. And is that accurate in your opinion ladies?

Lois Hollis: Well, it's not because there's nothing that is a healthy poison and that's why we've been stuck since Adam and Eve. Shame goes on the unconscious mind and guilt goes on the conscious mind. The fact that it has a definition of I'm bad and I did something bad, doesn't lead us to heal at all.

Do you know how a coin, a nickel has heads and tails?

Kandidly Kristin: Yes ma'am.

Lois Hollis: But it's still a coin? Well, shame is on one side and guilt's on the other side, but it's still a nickel.

Kandidly Kristin: Still the same coin.

Lois Hollis: Well, it's true. Shame says I'm bad, I'm no good, and guilt says I did something good. But neither one is good because... Have you ever heard of Dr. David Hawkins? He has stuck the map of consciousness, and I can email that to you if you wanna put it on your website.

Kandidly Kristin: Thank you.

Lois Hollis: The highest energy that a human can have or human potential is 700,000 7 0 0 0 0 0 with 30 zeros, and that is a number according to my son-in-law so that's enlightenment. 700,000, six zeros plus 30 zeros to the higher power. At 200, it changes to negative. We have less high energy when we have a negative feeling than a positive feeling. So we have anger, distress, hatred, lack of confidence and ...


Kandidly Kristin: Yes.

Lois Hollis: What do you think is the last energy that a human being can have and still be alive?

Kandidly Kristin: Uh, shame and guilt.

Lois Hollis: Not shame and guilt. Shame and guilt at 10. From 700,000 to the 30th zeros to 10. Shame and guilt are the lowest vibrations a human can have and still be alive. And what's after 10?

Kandidly Kristin: Nine, zero, oh guilt?

Lois Hollis: Suicide, death. That's why suicide is always preceded by guilt.

Kandidly Kristin: Got it. Okay. So I wanted Laura to weigh in on how accurate, in her opinion, the distinctions between shame and guilt are.

Laura Alyn: Yeah. So similar, to Lois, I do think that shame and guilt are the same sides of the coin, but where I see the major difference is that shame is kind of like those things that are in the subconscious, so we don't have access to the shame to fix that.

But guilt, the way that I see it is that it's like a digestible form of fear, that there's always like a deeper meaning to it. And so if we can work on the guilt part and feeling guilty when it's necessary and not feeling guilty when it's not necessary. Cuz I feel like in today's society we have so much guilt that we shouldn't. Like guilt about choosing what we wanna do or guilt about, not pleasing others, like for people pleasers. Guilt about not doing the "right thing". But now we can see that there are so many right ways. So by seeing guilt as fear, that's just a disguise. We can actually have a conversation with fear and face our fears and then be able to move past them so that we can go up. What Lois was talking about, is the David Hawkins scale: we can move up that scale to get up to the 7000000 zeros after it.

Kandidly Kristin: Got it, got it.

Lois Hollis: What I have learnt is that the energy of shame and guilt keeps you stuck.

Kandidly Kristin: Yes.

Lois Hollis: I had several patients work with me and one of 'em had severe guilt because she could not help her mother heal from her alcoholism. So her mother passed away, but she felt, the daughter felt extremely bad and guilty because she couldn't help her mother heal. And that's kind of normal; that happens

Kandidly Kristin: right?

Lois Hollis: So we worked on having regret instead of guilt. And that's what Laura's saying, reframe it. You can't get rid of guilt. Shame and guilt are moot points. You just have to get out of that. And you're right, Laura, get into regret. I regret I couldn't help my mother.

Kandidly Kristin: Right?

Lois Hollis: But regret leads to a solution.

Kandidly Kristin: Yeah,

Lois Hollis: what my client did was she began many projects on alcoholism and how to heal, and her regret led to a very big following where she did help people heal from alcoholism. But if she stayed in guilt, it's whole. you can never have a solution because you're too bad. And shame increases guilt. Guilt increases shame.

Kandidly Kristin: So it's a cycle?

Lois Hollis: It's a cycle. So the more shame you got, the more guilt you got. And if you stay guilty, you make more shame. It's a vicious cycle.

Now, as a nurse, I discovered that if you have a virus that causes meningitis, they call it meningitis. If you have the same virus in your kidneys, they call it nephritis. If you have the same virus in your heart, they call it carditis. Do you see where I'm going with this? Yeah. So in shame, it is in the unconscious mind and guilt is in the conscious mind, they call it different things, but it's the same virus.

Kandidly Kristin: Got it.

Lois Hollis: How does that sound Laura?

Laura Alyn: So that's why I say that people say guilt is good because you can learn to be better. No, it isn't. Regret is good, and anger is good. Anything's better than guilt cause besides after that, that's the lowest frequency. And that's why suicide is so high because Oh, guilt is good. No, it isn't.

Kandidly Kristin: Got it. So where do these feelings of shame, and guilt come from generally? And I know that they're all different reasons why people feel it, you both can answer this in turn, where do you think that they come from?

Laura Alyn: I think it comes from unhealed trauma. So I believe that trauma can be passed down generationally and so like I said, it's always going down to the root of the issue. That's where it comes from. So it could be like going to people pleaser just as an example that maybe you're a people pleaser because your mom was a people pleaser and your grandma was a people pleaser. And when around like that, we're just held to these expectations. So when we're young and we don't know any better, we just follow what we see.

Kandidly Kristin: Okay.

Laura Alyn: Then when we realize that's not necessarily the right path, you have guilt about leaving that comfort zone that you have seen play out. Because over time being a people pleaser was a good thing because it allowed for the community, and there were good things to it. But now we're realizing that being your most authentic self, and that is where the real power is.

Kandidly Kristin: Okay.

Lois Hollis: And, Yeah, I agree with you, Laura. It's called generational shame, and guilt, and we get it from our culture, our government, our religions, our friends, and our enemies. It's ubiquitous and it's in every country.

I say that shame and guilt is a foreign energy. some of my hosts have called it a shame, guilt leech. It comes from the outside of us. That's another story. I think it's an energy placed upon humanity to make us victims and lower our frequency. Yes! And then our government and our culture and our family use it. But the initial source, it's a shame, guilt leech. So having that in your mindset, you can find it and take it out of your personality and get it away because it's interdimensional like love is interdimensional. Yeah, love gives

Laura Alyn: I hundred per cent agree. Yeah. I love the way that you... sorry. I'm just like freeing, putting the two things together because Lois, you're right, and everything comes from shame and guilt. It comes from the outside and then going back to Brene Brown's quote, that shame is the internalized that I am a bad person. And then bringing that back, bringing that out. It turns into guilt and then we can turn it into other things like you were talking about Lois, like with regret or anger to then literally take out the energy, let go of that energy that's keeping you stuck, that's keeping you in this hole where we feel we're alone. We have all this internalized fear and shame and guilt and everything. So it's just really cool that it's all coming together.

Lois Hollis: Yeah! And Laura, that's so right, because forever, we have tried to make a distinction, but to ensure okay, there is, but that's not gonna help me heal because it makes my brain go, oh, that's only guilt. Oh, that's an only shame. And you can never get rid of guilt. Until you release the shame that's giving it the energy. So yes, shame and guilt are one word. And when we know that shame- guilt, energy only has one problem, Laura, and that it dissolves in detection. So once we know that shame and guilt are outside of us, nothing's good with them, it loses their power. Like the Wizard of Oz, remember Dar's life?

Kandidly Kristin: Yes.

Lois Hollis: He turns up the yellow Rig road and she's in fear and toto, the little doggy pulls the curtain back. And what does she see? A little old man, right? With a big puff of smoke coming out of his machine. Shame-guilt is a puff of green smoke, and it's designed to make us fearful, but when Toto pulls the curtain back, he says it's a joke. So that's Totos. That's what today is of help.

Kandidly Kristin: Let's pull the curtain back. So yes, that is a great segue into solutions. How can I, whoever's going to hear this show begin to heal like genuinely heal and get rid of the shame and guilt that they have and move to a healthier place?

Laura Alyn: Well, going into exactly what you said about unveiling and unsealing. The way to do that, the way that I see it, is that we are all like this Marvel block and we're chipping away at all the parts that we don't need. So then we find the Greek person underneath. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Kandidly Kristin: Yeah.

Laura Alyn: So by learning more about ourselves and chipping away at what is ours, what do we have to work on? Like having those boundaries between what society wants for us, what our parents want for us, and what we genuinely want for us. And by learning more about ourselves, that's how we can genuinely and deeply heal this shame and guilt dynamic within us.

Kandidly Kristin: Nice.

Lois Hollis: Okay. Well, when you or someone comes to you and they say, oh, I feel so guilty about that. Oh my, I feel terrible. I said shame- guilt. You can't heal. You can only kick it out because it's foreign energy. Go ahead. Get rid of it. Now, What do you feel now? I'm just so depressed and angry. Okay. Hi depression, how are you? You talk to your emotions like you talk to your inner critic. Hi, how are you? And like I'm talking to you Kandidly Kristin like I'm talking to you, Laura. Uh, Kristin, excuse me. Hi, how are you? What food do you like? So this is your inner mental personality parts like, you know, the little child. We have a little family on the side us and I have a film on how to talk to your inner critic.

How do you talk about your depression? How do you talk about your anxiety? But you can't talk to shame- guilt cause it's a negative energy that makes you stupid.

Kandidly Kristin: Got it.

Lois Hollis: We don't. It's a piece of green smoke. So that's my suggestion. Yes, do your homework, but do your homework with depression, and anxiety, and make friends with your inner critic. Plus your inner critic is your shame-guilt producer. He's the CEO. You think you're in charge, the inner critic in charge. But anyway, you can say, hi... my inner critic's name is King. Hi King and King, and I had to become partners so he can stop being the old guy with the big machine. So I may tell people to make friends with their inner critic and their friends, their motions and shame -guilt doesn't belong to you. It's an outside invader.

Kandidly Kristin: Got it, got it. So what do you guys think are the key steps to number one, chipping away at and kicking out the shame- guilt, and having conversations with your actual emotions like tips, tools that people can take away and say, okay, this is how I can start this process.

Lois Hollis: Well, um, Kristen, I have to compliment you. Yes! Because you said kick out the shame- guilt. Most people say my "shame- guilt". You don't own a foreign poison.

Kandidly Kristin: Right.

Lois Hollis: You said, Oh congratulations, Kristin.

Kandidly Kristin: I'm getting it.

Lois Hollis: You got it. So I'm saying Shame-guilt is not ours to own or to give.

Kandidly Kristin: So, let me stop you right there. So if I steal something, the guilt I feel about that I shouldn't feel is not mine. My actions didn't lead to that. Or how do I reframe that?

Lois Hollis: I'm sorry. I regret or I slipped. I'm goofed. I made a faux pas. Got it., I did something that I probably shouldn't have done. Okay, guess what? I'm not gonna do it again, Kristin.

Kandidly Kristin: Got it.

Lois Hollis: And that shame, guilt, energy. You can close your eyes and see it as dark, slimy energy and just go ... It goes away. Shame and guilt dissolve in detection. Did you see it? The jig is up. You can feel regret all you want, but you can't feel guilt.

Kandidly Kristin: Why is it that we're ready to embrace shame- guilt, but regret seems like a big, bad monster to most people?

Lois Hollis: Because we've been told so, Kristin. we have to be shameful. The church says guilt is a marvellous emotion cause you can repent. No, it isn't a marvellous, it is the lowest frequency that I can live in. I'm a victim if I'm guilty.

Kandidly Kristin: Got it.

Lois Hollis: The culture has brainwashed you and Laura, you're right. We have a shame-guilt mindset. We can't do that. We can have a regretful mindset or a happy ground, but we can't have shame- guilt. People have made us victims. We have devolved as a society because our frequency is so far, it's outta 10, that's horrible. So don't tell me guilt is good for you.

Kandidly Kristin: Right! I had that as one of my bullets that guilt has been found to lead to repair actions, apologizing, amending, and undoing. Whereas shame appears to favor withdrawal and escape behaviors, hostile and self-defensive reactions. So that's hogwash.

Lois Hollis: It's hogwash. But you've been brainwashed. All of us have. Me too. I mean, none of us has escaped our culture, our government, our religion, our family, and as Laura said, generational. Yeah, we're up against some mighty thing, but somebody has to start. Somebody has to start and say "No, that's the dead end". Shame- guilt is a dead end. I've enjoyed Brene Brown cuz she brought it out. But we can't have either one because shame gives more guilt and guilt gives more shame. It's something in the unconscious mind. When we sleep, we have more shame, and that's when we wake up, we feel guilty because we had shame all night. Shame and guilt are like a dog in its tail. It's the same animal.

Laura Alyn: Interestingly, you bring up the dog and the tail, because what I'm thinking about with Kristin when you asked about the different tips, so how I started on this journey of releasing, guilt and shame was by looking at the chakras and the first chakra, the one at the bottom, the one by our tailbone is the root chakra, and we need to have strong roots to be able to grow into this beautiful tree that we all want. We all want to grow. We all want to be good people and live our best lives and live our truth. But it's just so hard because of this poison that we're talking about that is in our bodies.

Lois Hollis: Right! Laura. Exactly! Yeah.

Laura Alyn: So yeah, by starting in the root chakra, and that's the chakra that is about making sure that all of your basic needs are met, that you are safe, that you're gonna be provided for, that you have stability and security. When you have that strong base, then it kind of builds a barrier where shame and guilt can't find their sneaky ways back in there. After you've gotten rid of them.

Lois Hollis: Yeah, because Laura, by your techniques, you're raising your frequency; healthy, happy foundation and shame-guilt energy come outta 10 and it goes, it breaks that, and you're like, I'm trying to get higher, not lower. So shame-guilt has no place in my life. It can only make me stupid.

Laura Alyn: Exactly.

Kandidly Kristin: Oh, this is so good.

Lois Hollis: Come in outta 10. You're stupid. Excuse me.

Kandidly Kristin: Yeah, you're vibrating low. Really, low.

Lois Hollis: Anger is at 200.

Kandidly Kristin: So, let me see if what I'm hearing is we need to, number one, get our foundation strong, our root, our boundaries, and then kind of lean into the not-so-great emotions, the anger, the depression, the disappointment, the anxiety and ...

Lois Hollis: yeah! You're moving up though.

Kandidly Kristin: Yeah, yeah and people don't look at it that way though. All of those things, anger, depression, anxiety, those are things that people don't feel are on a higher level than shame- guilt, I don't know. And I guess it is inherent, cultural. I don't even know if it's inherent cuz it's not ours. So let me take that back.

Laura Alyn: Well, I feel like it goes back to the whole thing of not ours and ours. So, it is scary to face your demons and clean out the skeletons in your closet cause that's where the anger and the depression and anxiety live. But I feel like by doing that, you know that this is yours. Like this is your mess to clean up and be able to move through it. And to be able to know that by, it's just like when you're cleaning out, like spring cleaning, you know, it's gunky and gross, like Yeah, you have to clean out let's say the bathtub clog or something. It's gross to get all that stuff out. But once you do, the water's ability to just slide down. You don't have the buildup anymore. I think you're right for people it is so scary to face those demons, to go to do the work. But I feel when it comes, you have to learn. That's why I feel like a lot of people are isolate. That's why it's really good that a lot of people have started this work because of COVID and everything, we had time to just sit by ourselves and sit in our thoughts and not be able to run away and constantly distract ourselves from our thoughts by going out all the time.

I used to travel every single month and then now I realize that I was running away from my emotions and then having these two, or three years to just sit here with my thoughts and get to know who I am and again, I was saying earlier, what's mine and what's not mine. That's how I've been able to move past this and allow the poison to leave my body.

Kandidly Kristin: I like that a lot.

Lois Hollis: Yeah. That's very good. The one thing that makes this information more digestible is what happens to your computer when it gets a computer virus.

Kandidly Kristin: Don't even talk about that right?

Lois Hollis: Wait. Now can you see the computer virus?

Kandidly Kristin: No,

Lois Hollis: but just sure know what it did to your computer. Right?

Kandidly Kristin: Yep.

Lois Hollis: Okay. Shame- guilt is a negative virus, negative energy, and it comes through the words of people like, you should have done that. You stupid jerk. Or, why don't you do it better? Or you say to yourself, I'm no good. We keep shaming ourselves. we get shame-guilt from others. Now those words, Come into us and turn our positive emotions into negative ones. Compassion turns to depression. Anxiety is turned by intuition, and our positive passion turns to anger. So when we say no to the shame and guilt, we keep our positive emotions. So the whole problem is the shame-guilt energy because it impacts our emotions and we get depressed, and we get anxious. We get regretful, and we get all sorts of emotions, but we have to get rid of the shame -guilt, cuz that's what turns our positive emotions into negative ones. And every emotion has a positive side and a negative side. If we have love coming in, oh, Kristin, I love your podcast. It's so enjoyable. It's gonna be love energy. And you're gonna feel happy. The love energy gives us happiness and joy and confidence and respectability, and we respect each other and shame-guilt, energy gives us depression, anxiety, and hatred. Okay?

Kandidly Kristin: Yeah.

Lois Hollis: So I'm trying to simplify life. Because we just have love and we just have shame-guilt energy, that's all we got.

Kandidly Kristin: Yep. I'll take love.

Lois Hollis: I'll say, I'll keep shame-guilt out anytime.

Kandidly Kristin: Yes, indeed. I agree 100% With that. Ladies, if you could each in turn, give me and my listeners what you consider to be key takeaways from this discussion. If they don't get anything else, tell me what they should take away from this discussion and to help them start to kick their shame guilt to the curse.

Lois Hollis: No. No. The shame- guilt.

Kandidly Kristin: The shame- guilt not theirs. Yep.

Laura Alyn: So I would say the number one takeaway is that shame and guilt are not yours. That you have so much already on your shoulders. So many things that you're dealing with on your own, you don't need to have that shame and guilt. I love what Lois said, I'm gonna say what you said amazing cuz;to make friends with your inner critic because a lot of times we don't do the things that we wanna do because we're like, well, what is everyone else gonna think about me? But we know this, like saying it, oh, well no one's thinking about you. You're fine. But it doesn't feel that way. It still feels like, well, what are they gonna say? And turns out, that voice, when you think oh, what are they gonna say? That's your inner critic and that's where exactly Lois said it's the CEO, the producer of the guilt and shame as a producer of that inner critic. And so by making friends with it, then you end up doing the things that you really want to do and you don't care about anybody else. And then that in and of itself takes away that guilt and shame.

Kandidly Kristin: Got it.

Lois Hollis: Yeah. It is making friends of the inner critics, so when you hear, oh, you can't do that, or You're stupid, or your mother won't like you, say, who's talking? who's talking? I'm not talking, who's talking? And then hopefully you'll meet up and that's sort of what I help people with; helping to talk with their inner critic and you say, hi, what is your name? And then you say, King, he says his name's King. Would you like more power? And the inner critic says, yeah, I want more power. And I say, you can't have any more power king until I get more power. And I can't get more power until you stop the shame- guilt that you were taught. King's not a bad guy, it's just that his mother and his father and the government and the religion taught him to use shame to keep me safe. And I tell him, I'm in my seventies now and I'm smart, and you don't need to babysit me anymore. So my king inner critic goes around the world finding me wonderful people like Kristin, who does podcast, he gave up his job of shaming and guilting me. Okay. It took a couple of months. It wasn't like a weekend.

Kandidly Kristin: Right. Right.

Lois Hollis: You know this.

Laura Alyn: Yeah, right. Mine was like two years

Lois Hollis: and I have a film on how to do it. So I mean, it's doable. Just like you gotta stay with it. So when you say, oh, I can't do that, and you say, who's talking? That's not Lois.

Kandidly Kristin: So this is not a one-and-done. This is a continual checking in and making sure that any shame- guilt is constantly being moved out

Lois Hollis: and it dissolves in detection. Like the the old man with the machine, once he's turned out and you go, ah, it's only a puff of smoke.

Laura Alyn: And I want to add just one last thing. With shame and guilt and like your friend. Sometimes it's so necessary to cheer yourself on and to have that support system within yourself. Because what you guys were saying was that shame and guilt are constantly trying to sneak their way in to come at you and we also have to reward ourselves with small victories. Like sometimes I would still shame myself when I would change. I'm like, oh, okay. I realize that what I did was wrong, but I still haven't changed. But in and of itself, having that awareness is a good step. And so a win to not shame yourself as you're progressing

Kandidly Kristin: Right! Be kind to yourself. Show yourself some empathy as you are because you're unlearning.

Lois Hollis: Yes. We are in a lifetime learning. I like that word. We have to unlearn the mindset, shame, and guilt, and mindset. Yeah. And our inner critic is living when you were two and three years old and now you're adult. You don't have to be ashamed to try something new. So we could say: King, can you come into my new 2023 and not be in 1960?

Kandidly Kristin: Right.

Lois Hollis: Come into the right timeline. Cause nobody told you and your critic that you're an adult now. He still thinks you're a child, so he's gonna shame you like your mother did and father and grandmother. We can't blame anybody. We can only blame, shame- guilt.

Kandidly Kristin: Absolutely No blame. Just moving past what we now recognize and kicking out the shame- guilt. Yes. I love, love, love it.

Oh ladies, thank you so much. I had all these bullet points and stuff and the conversation just organically went exactly the way it needed to. So I appreciate both of your voices. I learned some things and I'm sure that my listeners will too. So thank you so very much for giving me this portion of your day to talk about this very important subject.

Lois Hollis: Do we have time for one question?

Kandidly Kristin: We do.

Lois Hollis: Uh, I would like to ask Laura something cause she is an astrologer. I don't know, I won't put you on the spot, but do you have an astrology aspect to shame-guilt? I just never asked that question.

Kandidly Kristin: That's a great question.

Lois Hollis: But you know, she's an astrologer and I am not, and I was wondering if there is any connection she can see.

Laura Alyn: Yeah, so in astrology, in the fourth house, that's the house of, family life, and it's also the house where you have your deepest wound. And so a lot of times it does happen through just growing up, even if you had the perfect childhood, there's something that your parents if they knew it, they would do it, but there's something that happens where you are going to have a deep scar and it has to do with your zodiac sign. So we'll use me as an example. So in my fourth house, I have Taurus, and Taurus is the sign of stability and being stubborn, but also really wanting things to look beautiful and have that aesthetic. So my deep wound from my family, because I had a great childhood, but my deep wound was feeling like I had to be perfect everywhere I went. And then having that shame and guilt if I didn't show up perfectly, if I made a mistake if I felt like I couldn't. I couldn't fail because it would just be so awful. And then turns out it was just my inner critic.

It's really interesting that you brought up Lois about the mother and that your mother would treat you in a way when you were growing up because that's what mothers do. They wanna take care of you and everything. But this just happened to me last week It turns out my inner critic, I still thought that it was my mom's voice when it was my voice I thought my mom had all of these thoughts about me. And so I was shunning her and just pushing her away. I'm like, I need a girl, give me my space. And my mom was so sweet that she gave me her space. And finally, after so much has happened, we had a chance to sit down and she's like, I never thought anything about, I never thought any of this, I always supported you. It turns out it was just myself. It was just my inner critic that was like, oh, this is never gonna work. This is not gonna do it. And so that comes from my fourth house in Taurus. So let's just use a different example. If you have the fourth house in Aquarius, a lot of times Aquarius is known for just being different.

Kandidly Kristin: Yeah,

Laura Alyn: Aquarius have to learn that their differences are their superpowers. And so having Aquarius in the fourth house, you may physically look different than the rest of your siblings, and that forces you to feel alienated and feeling like you don't belong, that you're the black sheep, and then having all this shame and guilt associated with that. So once you realize that, as I said earlier, the differences are what makes you. There's a reason why you're in the family that you wanted to be in. if we're talking about soul contracts and past life and all that kinda stuff...

Kandidly Kristin: Right!

Laura Alyn: Even if you don't believe in all of that, there's a reason why there are no coincidences. So there's a reason why you have the family that you do, and there's a reason why you have this like deep wound that I was talking about so that you can move forward and you can clear out that negative energy, like the way we're talking about with the tens so that we can move up higher on a collective consciousness level.

So I'm working on my trauma and you're working on your trauma, and then everyone's working on their trauma. We can collectively as a community, as a nation, as the whole planet raise our vibrations to that seven energy.

Lois Hollis: Humanity needs to evolve. And it's interesting that your inner critic, our inner critics are born and raised when three years old. And your mother or father or whatever is going to say, don't do that. Don't pick up the knife. Watch the scissors. But the inner critic didn't evolve like you kept on evolving to your 10 and 20 and 30, and now into your other life where you're helping people. The inner critic is stuck in your two-year-old and three-year-old.

So you gotta talk to it. I talk to King, talk to your inner critic and say, hi, it's 20 23 times have changed. Can we make a deal now where you stop? You know, I don't need protection. I don't need to be a babysitter and tell me I'm stupid and dumb and I can't do that. You need to find another job that can help me. We can be a partner. And so when the inner critic stops pushing the shame guilt machine, he won't stop until you talk to him because he's doing you a favor. He is keeping you safe at two years old. And Laura, you're not two years old anymore.

Kandidly Kristin: Right? that's interesting. Thank you for that question.

Lois Hollis: And it's not your mother's fault because she did whatever. I did that to my kids. And I had to do a lot of work after that. But anyway that's another long story. But, Laura, thank you for that. That was great.

Kandidly Kristin: Yeah, That was a great question, Lois. Thank you. I didn't even think of it. Yes, I was sitting here while you were talking, trying to find my birth chart so I could see my fourth house. Of course, I couldn't find it. I have it, I took a picture of it. I have my sun sign, my rising sign, but I could not find them.

Laura Alyn: You know, your rising sign? I could figure it out quickly.

Kandidly Kristin: Uh, I'm a Leo's sun Aries rising.

Laura Alyn: So your fourth house is in cancer, so it's about, not knowing who to open up to when you were younger. So you are either very open and, I mean, no, you have to pick and choose who you want to bring into your inner shell, to your inner little space. But it's also a lot with the emotions that go with it. So sometimes you may feel like you don't know how to process your emotions. That you were never taught how to process your emotions. So now it's like a big thing that's always like weighing you down and then your emotions kind of feel Sometimes like a tidal wave where you're just kind of swept under and you don't know how to get out. Sorry. I'm like going really deep. .

Kandidly Kristin: That's ok. It's very accurate.

Laura Alyn: But the whole point is that's the shame and the guilt and so you have to know that you're so powerful that you have the power to control that water. That it doesn't have to be a tidal wave. You could just be like floating on top, like at a pool kind of thing. You can change that. And then that's how you get rid of that shame and guilt.

Kandidly Kristin: And you know what's funny is my mother's sun sign was cancer. My fourth house being in cancer I'm like, wow. And everything you just said was incredibly accurate. So thank you so much for that mini read.

Laura Alyn: Yeah.

Kandidly Kristin: Oh, all kinds of benefit from this conversation.

Again, both of you, I really do thank you for coming on the show, for giving me this time. And now I'd like for each of you to give my listeners, how they can connect with you.

Laura Alyn: Awesome. So I'll go first. So I do offer birth chart readings, so you can go to https://groundedspirits.com/links/, and then it's there. And then also on that https://groundedspirits.com/links/ you can find my book. So I wrote a whole book about how I got out of this whole guilt- shame thing. So the book starts off with me falling down this deep dark hole and then trying to figure out how to get back home to myself. So the first book is out, it's called Monterai and then I'm still gonna be writing, there's gonna be four books, maybe five. I dunno. But I'm still writing that. So your listeners can check that out. And you can also find me on Instagram @ https://www.instagram.com/itslauraalyn and you can find the link to all of everything else.

Kandidly Kristin: Thank you. Laura and Lois, how can they reach you, ma'am?

Lois Hollis: Lois Hollis https://www.loishollis.com/

Now on my website, I have three other websites that you can see my film and my writings. I would suggest people, first of all, sign up for the newsletter. Kristin just signed up for it.

Kandidly Kristin: Yes, I did.

Lois Hollis: And, they receive a book, 500 questions, one answer. And this is showing you, teaching you 500 ways you can get shamed and guilt or you can shame guilt yourself. And my whole premise is know your enemy. If you don't know your enemy, you can't learn how to stay away from it. So if you know what shame guilt is, cause we were taught it's normal behavior and it's common behavior, God did not make us victims.

Kandidly Kristin: Right.

Lois Hollis: So shame guilt is not normal behavior. It's common. And also I'm goodfilm.com or my website. My films are three episodes, 15 minutes each, and it shows, it makes shameguilt visible so you can see how it comes into you and what it does to you. So that's why I became a filmmaker. So also the middle one is how to talk with your Inner Critic as well.

So I would suggest this go to I'mgoodfilm.com and find out how shame guilt looks. And you can see that it's not pretty .

Laura Alyn: No, it's not. Thank you ladies. Thank both of you and all of your contact info with clickable links will be in the show notes. Some of the key takeaways from this conversation and the entire transcript will be available when the episode airs. So thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Guys, I don't want you guys to forget when you're going to websites to check out mine www.thekandidshop.com. Check out some episodes, this one, and any others that you find interesting.

Leave me a review, send me a message, share the podcast with your friends and family. I'm on Facebook and IG @thekandidshoppodcast. Lois, laura, thank you again for joining me for this really important discussion. And guys, until next time, you know, I want you all to keep it safe.

Keep it healthy and keep it kandid.

Laura AlynProfile Photo

Laura Alyn


Leaving an academic career to pursue a soul-fulfilling life, Laura Alyn is the founder of Bel-Esprit Productions. This publishing company opens the gates of knowledge to catalyze personal and societal growth. She is also the host of Grounded Spirits Podcast. This podcast guides future innovators to connect to nature, creativity, and themselves as a way of achieving "perfect self-expression" through a spiritual journey.

Laura Alyn writes to shed light on the shadows of society and ourselves. Her catalog includes spiritual novels, guided journals, and planners. She has also launched a series called “All About,” which uses questions, games, and activities to destigmatize dark or taboo subjects.

For the last 2 years, she has been studied astrology and is now offering Birth Chart Readings. To learn more about her, her companies, or to book a Birth Chart Reading, check out her website at itslauraalyn.com/links.

Lois Hollis RN BSN  REVProfile Photo

Lois Hollis RN BSN REV

shame guilt educator, counselor, filmmaker, author.

Lois Hollis shifts our opinion on the taboo subject, shame guilt. She is a shame guilt educator, counselor, filmmaker, author who coined the word shame guilt. Lois has always been a trailblazer as she helped develop one of the first Kidney Hemodialysis Units in the USA at Thomas Jefferson University in 1966.

Today she not only shows us why shame guilt has led us to believe we are victims incapable of stellar lives but also HOW to make friends with our inner critic and kick shame guilt out of our lives.

Lois was dying at 55 and today at 79, rollerblades with her grandson because she healed from the shame guilt of an abusive childhood. Lois was scarred with brain traumas, broken jaws, heart, liver, illnesses with 30 years of migraine headaches. Her impactful story shows us the immense power we reclaim when we release the shame guilt from our inner self.

She has lectured widely, including the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania, events, and podcast interviews in 15 countries. Her three books, spirit readings, and films that make shame guilt visible, will teach us how and why we need to know the trickery of the shame guilt energy to accomplish our dreams.