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Not Ashamed: Real Talk on Sexual Assault/Rape & Child Sexual Abuse

**CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING**
This episode includes discussions about rape, sexual assault, and child sexual abuse.
I acknowledge that this content may be difficult for some listeners. So please use your discretion. I encourage you to care for your mental ...


**CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING**

This episode includes discussions about rape, sexual assault, and child sexual abuse.

I acknowledge that this content may be difficult for some listeners. So please use your discretion. I encourage you to care for your mental & emotional safety and well-being and reach out for help if you need it.

 

April is Sexual Assault & Child Sexual Assault Awareness month so on this episode we discussed the sensitive but important subject of rape, sexual assault and child sexual abuse.

I was joined for this amazing and intimate conversation by 2 amazing women who are themselves survivors of sexual assault:

Monaye Etana, author of “No Longer Bound” & Founder of Grief Path, LLC.

&

Krista “Phoenix” Fee, author international speaker corporate program developer healing guide and founder slash president of Battle2Be.

Key Takeaways:

  • Your trauma does not define you! (Krista)
  • Everybody has their own path to healing and healing is not linear! (Monaye)
  • If you are the victim of sexual assault “surround yourself with a support team, surround yourself with people that you love and trust and have them stand by you throughout. You can't do it alone and you shouldn't have to do it alone.” (Krista)
  • Don’t Blame Yourself! (Monaye & Krista)
  • 93% of victims know their perpetrator. So that means only 7% are stranger type rape. We're always harping on our kids about stranger danger and don't talk to this person you don't know them, but the data is saying that you should probably be talking to them about everybody, including family members. (Kristin)
  • Sexual assault and rape happen to men too!
  • It’s ok to not be ok!!
  • Don't let anything silence your voice. (Monaye)

If you or anyone you know is, was or may be the victim of sexual assault, abuse there are resources out there to help you on your path to healing:

R.A.I.N.N.  National Sexual Assault Hotline:

 1-800-656-HOPE or 1-800-656-4673

 

Underground Railroad: Sex Trafficking resources and help:

 https://ourrescue.org/

 

Male victims:

https://malesurvivor.org/healing-conversations/

https://1in6.org/helpline/         

 

Connect w/ Monaye Etana:

https://www.favoredandfree.com/     

https://www.instagram.com/unbreakable_survivher/

Get “Monaye's book here:

"No Longer Bound: Breaking Free from the Weight of Abandonment"

 

Connect w/ Krista Fee:

https://www.Riseupphoenix.org         

https://instagram.com/kristafeephoenix        

https://facebook.com/coachkristafee

Get Krista's book here:

 https://www.amazon.com/Out-Silence-Anthology-Child-Survivors-ebook/dp/B09MSW2XRP      

 

Intro : “Welcome to The Kandid Shop” by Anthony Nelson aka BUSS_TE

Outro: “Unreasonable Expectations” by Rafa Sessions

 

 

 

 

Kandidly Kristin

Transcript

Not Ashamed: A Kandid Chat On Sexual Assault & Child Sexual Abuse

Kandidly Kristin: Hola podcast nation it's your girl, Kandididly, Kristin, and this is the Kandidid shop. April is sexual assault awareness month. So on this episode, we will be discussing the sensitive subject of sexual assault and child sexual abuse. And with that being said, I need to add a content trigger warning. This episode will include discussions about sexual assault and child sexual abuse.

I acknowledged that this content may be difficult for some listeners. So please use your discretion. I encourage you to care for your safety and wellbeing and reach out for help if you need it.

Joining me for this important discussion are two women who bring their lived and professional experiences to this conversation.

Monaye Etana, author of “No Longer Bound” a book based on her life's journey, the healing from abandonment, child, sexual abuse and assault, and the founder of the grief path, LLC, which provides grief recovery services for griever seeking healing. Also joining me is Krista Phoenix Fee author international speaker corporate program developer healing guide and founder slash president of Battle2Be welcome.

Welcome, welcome ladies to the Kandidid shop. Thank you so much for joining me.

Monaye Etana: Thank you. Glad to be here.

Kandidly Kristin: All right. So I pulled a few stats that I think the way that we're going to kind of this'll kind of flow is we'll talk first. Rape sexual assault. Then we'll move to a little bit of a conversation about consent and we'll end with child assault.

And so these are the stats, every 68 seconds. Another American is sexually assault. One out of every six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime. 14.8% completed 2.8% attempted about 3% of American men are one in 33 have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.

48% of the sexual assaults or rapes were performed while the person was sleeping or performing some activity at home. 29% were traveling to and from work or school or traveling to shop or run errands 12% while they were working 7% while they were attending school. And then as 5% they were doing an unknown or other activity.

And I believe these stats are pulled from just the United States, not abroad. So is limited in that respect. So late. We talked before and I found a definition that says rape is a form of sexual assault, but not all sexual assault is rape for the uniform crime reports. The FBI defines rapist penetration, no matter how slight of the vagina is that an accurate definition to each of you and Krista you can go first,

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: any penetration or anal counts as rape, especially when we're in the context of male rape.

Kandidly Kristin: . I agree. And Monaye how about you?

Monaye Etana: I  completely agree as well. Um, it doesn't matter what the object of penetration is, but once that threshold has been. You know, met it's what it is.

Kandidly Kristin: Right. I agree. I agree that the definition is a little lacking, but if each of you in turn and I guess we'll start with Monaye could just briefly share your stories so that my listeners can understand your lived experience.

As we move to talk about some more about sexual assault and rape.

Monaye Etana: Yes. So in your intro about me, you mentioned that I had dealt with abandonment. So I'm a child survivor of parental suicide starting with my, um, when I was three years old, almost four, about two days before my fourth birthday, my mother committed suicide.

So that started my road to abandonment. There were other issues of course, with within different relationships. From eight to 12, I was abused by distant family member. And that impacted me in many ways. I was seeking love and all the wrong places with guys and my emotional stability. I was insecure, you know, my self worth was questioned.

And then many years after I had children, I was on a date with someone I had been dating for about a month or so, you know, we we'd been alone before and out of the blue. raped at gunpoint and, um, you know, it, it totally destroyed my life. So many coping mechanisms that I, you know, took on emotional eating, just this all kinds of stuff that did not help me self sabotaging behavior.

So it has definitely been a journey to rediscovery.

Kandidly Kristin: Okay. Well, I'm glad you're here. I certainly am glad that you found your way. Yeah.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: Yeah, we kind of have a little bit of similarities in the context that like many people who are abused, it tends to happen multiple times throughout a lifetime. So I was also a familial childhood abuse and in my teenage years was raped by a fellow high school student.

And then I was a victim of domestic violence in my home. And we don't, don't very often talk about marital rape as being a thing. But, um, that was my, my lived experience and it affected me very, very much the same way as the other previous experiences. It's non-consensual is nonconsensual.

Kandidly Kristin: We three share sexual assault in common. I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual assault and abuse from a family member. So, and the road to wellness took me through drug addiction and drinking too much. And from hypersexuality to non sexuality, it, it, it has been a journey, but I'm 54 now. So, and I'm always.

Healing always looking to heal, always trying to find better ways to, to be. So we have that in common. So what would you say, and this question goes to the, both of you is the most important thing for people to know about sexual assault and rape. Like if you had to pick one thing and either of you can go first.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: I think the most important thing is to recognize that there is a possibility of healing that it, it doesn't have to define us forever.

It doesn't have to be who we are that we can never get over it per se, but that it's not all there is.

Monaye Etana: Yes. I agree. I feel like. For, as you know, traumatic as those things are, everybody has their own path to healing and healing is not linear. You know, it's not to say that once you, get to a certain point, you're never going to have triggers. You're never gonna have little things that remind you.

But I think it's all about knowing how to manage your triggers and understanding that you are not what happened to you. That's not your identity. and that you just have to, you know, do the best you can to keep moving because it's not easy.

Kandidly Kristin: No, it's not. And it never ends really. I mean, there's always something, something on TV, something on radio, something you perceive that you see maybe with a friend and her, her partner or something.

And it's like, okay, So what suggestions do you two have to make it safer, easier, more comfortable for victims to come forward and report to tell their stories, to try to get justice if that's possible, because it always seems that in cases of rape, you know, date rape just rape by a stranger. The victim is often.

Air quotes put on trial. So what suggestions do you have to make that less so?

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: I think outside of the social and cultural change that that needs to happen. The thing that we can do right now without all of the social change is surround yourself with a support team, surround yourself with people that you love and trust and have them stand by you throughout you can't do it alone and you shouldn't have to do it alone.

Monaye Etana: Yeah. I mean, I definitely think that there's a thing such as victim blaming, whether intentional or unintentional, you know, often it's well, what were the circumstances and what was she doing or what was he doing? And I think if people are educated more. They, you know, and they know that they have a safe place to go without judgment.

And then, like Krista said, having people within their circle that they know that they can, they can lean on for some lean on for support, then they may be more likely to come forward. But most people are often afraid of that because of the, the victim blaming.

Kandidly Kristin: And the stigma. What should a woman do? If she has been the victim of sexual assault, be it a husband, a stranger she's on a date.

What should her steps? Because the, the immediate reaction, right. Is to go home and shower, to wash and scrub until your skin is about to fall off, because you just want to get rid of the feeling, the scent, the touch, whatever, but what should women do? In the aftermath of a sexual assault or rape,

Monaye Etana: you know, I think it looking back at my particular situation, uh, I didn't want any, anyone to know.

I just thought about surviving because my children and I were threatened. So I did not do all of the things that I probably should have. I didn't go to, I didn't call the police. I didn't go to the hospital to be tested. Like I kept it a secret for years.. But you should definitely not shower because there's evidence, you should report it.

You should have someone there to support you and you have to also not blame yourself, no matter what the situation was because you are the victim and no one deserves to be violated.

Kandidly Kristin: No.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: Yeah, in a perfect world, we would say, of course, immediately get to the hospital, immediately report it because when everything is fresh in your mind, you're going to do the best at recalling the details you're going to get.

If it's a stranger situation, you're going to have the best chance of them being caught. If it's not a stranger situation, there may be something that can be done to keep them away from you to keep you safe. If you don't reach out, you can't be protected..

Kandidly Kristin: Okay.

All right. So I want to talk a little bit about the way law enforcement handles rape and sexual assault cases.

How can that be better? I watch a lot of TV shows and, you know, there's, there's SVU and sexual victims units or violence units. I don't know what the acronym exactly stands for, but often, there's a lot of questioning a lot of not victim blaming, but kind of the eyebrows are up, especially if the person is perhaps a drug user or something like that.

So what are some ways that law enforcement can do better by victims?

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: I would love to see, uh, interview rooms that are specifically for that, so that you're not in a, in a holding areas. And you're not an interrogation rooms that, that feel like you've done something wrong. Always having a female presence. If the victim is a female, always having, other people in the room because you're feeling very vulnerable at that point in time.

Kandidly Kristin: Yeah, Monaye anything to add,

Monaye Etana: just better training. You know, I just feel like sometimes there's not a specific training for that type of, uh, type of crime. So a lot of times, and it's a generalization, but cause everybody's different, but sometimes the more you see those types of things you can get desensitized and, you know, oh, this is just like, you know, the last one or, you know, you kind of lose that because you are not personally involved and so I just think it could be more, more training, sensitivity training, and just more better protocols on how to handle that.

Kandidly Kristin: I agree. And so what do you guys think about the current punishments that are out there for offenders. Do you think they're effective? Do you think jail is enough or should it be jail plus some kind of treatment?

What ways is the punishment working? And in what ways is it not

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: sentencing is very light targets speaking entirely of the United States, but sentencing is way too light. Leaving very little consequence.

I think we see really high statistics suggesting reoffense is a big problem, and we're not doing anything about that.

And that goes to really the whole criminal justice system. But especially when you're talking about violent crime and sexual assault, that we need to do something to keep that from reoccurring. And whether that's some kind of reeducation or some kind. Mental health hospital type place where people go afterwards.

Kandidly Kristin: Right.

Okay. And  what do you think about the, the registry, the sex offender registry is, that at all effective or a deterrent to think, oh, if I, you know, this, I might have to go on the registry and that'll follow me around. And is it effective?.

Monaye Etana: I don't think so.

Not at all. I think that when you are a sexual offender, I really don't think that they can be rehabilitated.

I don't think that treatment works. I think because it's something that's deep on the inside of you. So say you go to, you, go to prison for, you know, 40 years and you get out. Then you're going to re-offend at some point. So like Kristas has said, I don't believe that the sentencing is strict. Honestly. I don't know what the fix is.

Kandidly Kristin: Right. All right. Cause I was thinking maybe some kind of treatment to get to the root of why people offend. And is there something chemically in their brain? You know, I don't think I'll ever understand what makes somebody think that it's okay to impose their self in that way. On another person I've heard often that rape is not about the sex.

It's about the power and control. So maybe that's part of it. I'm not sure. I don't

Monaye Etana: and a lot of times they were abused in some way or had a particular type of upbringing.

Kandidly Kristin: So do you think that in those situations we should treat those offenders differently because they started as victims or the minute they went from victim to offender, they lost that, that right to that grace and empathy from us.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: I think compassion is still allowed. It doesn't change that they're responsible for what they've done and that there should be. Uh, justice or punishment for that, having compassion for what occurred in their lives, doesn't erase their responsibility.

Kandidly Kristin: Agreed. I liked the way that, that was well said, Krista. Thank you. So what do you guys, what impact do you feel like now with the just explosion of social media and a trillion apps where people can connect.in real time with other people, what kind of impact do you think that has, has had, will have on the proliferation of these kinds of crimes against women and men?

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: I think it drastically increases vulnerability. We have a false sense of knowing people that we don't actually know. And you can be anything you want to be online.

So. Adults, catfishing kids. We have just you can be anyone and nobody knows who they're talking to.

Monaye Etana: Yeah. Yeah. I actually, one of the organizations that I'm involved in for child trafficking, we had an event Friday night at a elementary school to talk to the parents about all of these apps. We had a booth set up and as you know, the parents will come around some with their kids, some without.

We'd ask the kids. Do you recognize all these apps and nine times out of 10, all of them did. And these are the ways, especially now since the pandemic, when everybody's home or was home and all on their phones and everything. These are the entry ways to our children. And like, you know, Kristas has said, you can be whoever you want to be online.

And it only takes eight days from the initial conversation to convince our kids to send a photo or meetup or something like that. And I don't know it's

Kandidly Kristin: eight days,

Monaye Etana: eight days.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: Yeah and online video games are also a very big risk factor.

Kandidly Kristin: Really. Because of the chat features. Ah, interesting. So that was a great segue into the child abuse and assault, and there are different statistics for that.

And so the majority of child victims are aged 12 to 17 of victims under the age of 18 34% of victims of sexual assault and rape are under age 12.. And 66% of victims of sexual assault and rape are aged 12 to 17. Every nine minutes. Government authorities respond to another report of child sexual abuse and 93% of child sexual assault victims know the perpetrator, including family members, members of their faith, community coaches, teachers, and other air quotes, helping professionals.

That's a scary stat to me, 93%. know their victims. So that means only 7% are, I guess, stranger type rape. We're always harping on our kids about stranger danger. And don't talk to this person. You don't know them, but the data is saying that you should probably be talking to them about everybody, including family members.

So, yeah,yeah, yeah. So ladies give me some forms of non-obvious child sexual abuse that parents should be aware of and probably are not. I mean, we know that the obvious ones, but what are some forms that may not be obvious to parents that they should know?

Monaye Etana: I would say avoiding eye contact. If their behavior has changed, if they're anxious, if they are fearful of going, you know, to a certain place or being around certain people, they don't want to be touched.

And what, what may be seemingly a normal quote, unquote normal way their grades drop. I mean, it's, it's sometimes the smallest things. I think you just have to really, really, really be in tune to your child.

Kandidly Kristin: Absolutely.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: The alternate can also happen. They actually become really attached to someone. They seem like they have a really loving relationship.

There's a lot of touch and affection. They'll say things like you're my special girl. Just want to spend a lot of time with the child and the child isn't necessarily going to show that there are signs of there being anything wrong. Sometimes in the younger kids, they don't even recognize that there's anything wrong.

Kandidly Kristin: Right.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: They feel loved and taken care of and they don't recognize the danger and the damage that's being done.

Kandidly Kristin: That's true. That's true. So guys, what age to you is the best age or the earliest that you should start to discuss with your children about. Rape and child sexual abuse. And the part two to that is what are some ways that parents who are super uncomfortable even broaching the subject?

What are some conversation starters? Now this is in a scenario where the child is not exhibiting any signs or are given any warning signs, but because you don't want your kid to be unaware, you want to have, you know, a talk.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: I think it begins as soon as children are aware of their own parts. As soon as they start,you can tell it, you know, they're like two or three and they start, you know, oh, look, what's this, it's an, it's an opportunity to say that that's yours and, you know, make sure that they understand that no one should be touching that other than the people that should be.

Kandidly Kristin: Yep. I agree.

Monaye Etana: Yeah, I think it definitely has to be age appropriate.

Definitely begins with making sure that the kids understand the proper name for their body parts. You know, not these nicknames. Oh, I can think back to some

Kandidly Kristin: yes, yes. The purse all that.

Monaye Etana: But yeah. I just think that, you know, whatever age you start, you can just gradually build upon that.

Kandidly Kristin: Okay. And say, I'm, I'm an adult and I have an adult cousin or an uncle or somebody that's around a lot. What can an adult say? To another adult when they feel that there are red flags, that they may be a little too interested or a perpetrator or a potential perpetrator, how does that conversation happen?

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: I've often been told and my training that it's not, it's not usually a good idea for adults to confront the other adults. If there is suspicion, it should just be reported.

Kandidly Kristin: Okay.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: This is where we get the relation, who grabs the kid and runs.

Kandidly Kristin: Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. That's interesting. Thank you for that.

And Monaye do you agree, or do you think another adult should be having a conversation or you should just one remove your, that person from access?

Monaye Etana: You know, with my personality, I would probably say somethingbut I think that it could be a combination of those things, you know, whether you choose to say something or not, but definitely if you have that unction, that something isn't right. I'm going to keep my child away from. Yeah. You know, and, you know, reporting, you know, suspicious behavior definitely is key as well.

Kandidly Kristin: Okay. So can you tell me and my listeners, what should a parent do when they think that their child has been, or is being abused and the child is showing signs? What, what are their steps and either one of you can go

Monaye Etana: they need to, they need to report. Okay. They need to make sure that their child understands that it's not his or her fault that they are there for them.

That communication is open, that they are loved. They need to reaffirm their child because oftentimes the child isn't believed in many cases and that's, that's just this unbelievable.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: Yeah, that was where I was going to go is just show them that no matter what they say, you believe them. And no matter what they say, you can't show the emotional devastation.

You can't show that. You can't show that you're upset that you're angry, that you're freaked out. You have to be in those moments of disclosure, you have to be strong for your child and support them so that they can tell their story. Because as soon as you freak out, they close down and they feel like it's their fault and they hurt you and they disappointed you.

And that's very dangerous.

Kandidly Kristin: Yeah, I agree. So in, in cases where a child has been assaulted, abused in a sexual manner, and there's a, a case being built against the perpetrator, is it, should the child testify like in open court or is that age dependent? Is that good for them or healthy for them to face their accuser?

Or what are your thoughts on thatpart of it.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: Well, that's very case specific age personality, their attitude about the disclosure are they, do they want to go to court? Are they, are they angry? And they want to take care of it and they want to tell their story or are they shy and scared? And. It will be retraumatizing for them.

Kandidly Kristin: Right, right. That was my thought that that's a little rough for, for a child, even a 12 to 17 year old to have to relive that there has to be a way that cases can be brought and tried without that having to be a part of it. Right. I mean, naturally they, they have to, you know, It can be done on paper and in judge's chambers or with someone else away from the actual court to take their, their statement or their deposition or whatever.

I just don't think having to have them walk past the person that hurt them is a healthy thing, even if they are like a super strong kid that, you know, seems to be able to handle. So I agree with that. So I want to talk just a little bit about consent in terms of adults. What ways can the issue of consent as it relates to sexual activity between adults in this case be made clearer and not so grey.

Like I thought she consented, she consented at first. I wasn't sure. You know what I mean? Like the, the consent just seems to be a super gray area.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: I think consent is a gray area because we have so many circumstances where consent is given. And then as women we're taught to just give people what they want.

So we don't want to hurt someone's feelings. So we may not want to and we may kind of close down a little bit and we may kind of push someone away, but without actually stopping and saying, look, no, this is my body. And we're done here. Right? We're creating mixed signals and they're not reading them. They have men haven't been taught to read the subtlety of, what's going on.

So it's both parties in that instant where we need to be able to stand up for ourselves and be very clear. And they need to be taught that when we stand up and say no, that that means no. And it's not, let's, let's talk about it. And let's just keep going until you give in.

Kandidly Kristin: Right, right. Yep. I agree. And I think as young boys, as they are growing into adulthood, even from a young age, need to be taught that Oh Monaye you are going to say, I'm sorry.

Monaye Etana: I was just going to say that there are, you know, verbal and nonverbal cues. I mean, it's body language is, is eye contact. It's, you know, whether they are returning, whatever you, you know, the person is giving, but it's really just being aware of that person that you're with. But yeah, of course as soon as they say, no, it should be.

No, not, you know, um, you know, she really didn't mean that, or he really did, but it it's, it is a gray, gray area.

Kandidly Kristin: Yes it is. And I don't know how to make it less gray. It can't be legislated. So it just, I think starts with teaching children of both genders have boundaries and how to respect other peoples to set their own.

Um, the younger that I think people start doing that the easier it gets as you grow to set and hold your boundaries and honor other people's. Can you both just really briefly give my listeners some prevention tips for adults, adult women, and men, and for children. Cause you know, there's, there's no a hundred percent foolproof method where you could say, if you do this, this, this, and this, this is not going to happen to you.

But if you could just give them some ways to maybe decrease the likelihood

Monaye Etana: there's no, no full proof way, but for parents of children, you know, educating yourself and them so that you are aware of, of any, you know, new updates or prevention programs, you can, you can join those.

You need to understand what child abuse is as well as the signs, but I think it's really about getting involved with other parents in the community to really just come together and knowing what it all encompasses. And then as an adult, or, I mean, you could be assaulted at any time, but just being aware of your surroundings, you know, going with that gut feeling, if something doesn't feel right, you know, And if you are able, you know, having something, something on yourself to protect yourself, doesn't have to be a lethal thing, but something

Kandidly Kristin: right.And put space between you and that person.

Monaye Etana: Yeah. Yeah. Just not ignoring your gut-feeling.

Kandidly Kristin: Absolutely. And Krista, anything to add to that?

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: I am a huge advocate of teaching children. Very young, the concept of body autonomy. Um, that they don't have to say yes to any physical touch so that when they're older, it's much easier to have very, very secure boundaries.

As far as sharing their body goes also self-defense I think children who are prepared to defend themselves and know what a situation might look like are going to have a lot higher capacity for getting out of the situation. And another thing is for parents that are uncomfortable or for adults, if you're uncomfortable about the topic, there are a million resources out there.

Operation underground railroad is they, they have trainings that parents can do with their kids. So you can watch videos about what does it look like to be, to have someone on the internet, trying to connect with me? What are the risk factors? And they tell stories of young girls and young boys from their own mouths of what got them trapped.

And when you see a peer talking about what happened to them, I think it hits a lot harder than moms saying I shouldn't do this.

Kandidly Kristin: Yes. I agree. I, and that was operation underground railroad.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: Yeah. Their website, I think is ourrescue.org

Kandidly Kristin: Okay. I'm definitely going to include that in the show notes and some other resources, but I wanted to pivot a little bit and talk to each of you individually about your, work, uh, Monet.

If you could tell me a little bit about the grief path and how that came to be and the work you do there. And then Krista, if you could tell me about battle2be, that would be awesome.

Monaye Etana: So grief, the grief path was created based on a course that I took through the grief recovery Institute, just to deal with some of my own lifelong grief that I thought I had dealt with and I had not.

And so after I went through the course, it was, it was so evident to me that it was something that was needed by so many people, because grief is not just death, you know, we can grieve our health. We can grieve the changes that we experienced in life from jobs to relationship, to divorce, to moving, you know, all of these different things, even not having the life that we thought we would have at this at this point.

So I decided to get certified as a grief recovery specialist, and then I formed my business. And what I do is I. Meet with grievers, either in person or online and one-on-one, and it's a seven week course where we put in the work, because while you can go to grief share, and you can sit with a group of people and share how you're feeling, right?

The only way you're going to recover and heal is to do the work and to complete what was left, incomplete in that relationship or that situation. And so that's what recovery recovery is. And so I just, I just, you know, support them. Most people just want to be heard. And so, you know, it's, it's very rewarding to do that.

Kandidly Kristin: Awesome. That's awesome. So that's going to be in the show notes and Krista talk to me about two things. Number one, your name Phoenix, and number two. Tell me about battle2be.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: Okay. Well, the Phoenix nickname came into play many, many years ago when my, my house burned down and I had recently overcome cancer and gotten into a car accident and I had a traumatic brain injury.

So I literally had. Three year span of everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong. And, uh, my friends did this fundraiser for us and they were, they did this whole out of the ashes thing and it just kind of stuck that no matter what our past is, we can rise above it. So that's actually part of my business is out of the ashes and into your life on fire.

It's kind of how we do that. So, but the business, I have three tracks I work with battle2be is my first responders and my military and all my frontline emergency workers. And I do trauma recovery for them. And then the rise up Phoenix academy has a track for victims of human trafficking, domestic violence and childhood sexual abuse.

And then my third track is my normal people who are just really in the middle of a transition period in their life. And they don't know where to go and they don't know what to do.

Kandidly Kristin: Okay. So with the, the battle to be in the first responders, is, is that kind of a counseling group or a bunch of different services to just assist them with whatever their trauma is.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: It's coaching and consulting from hire to retire and beyond. So literally I work with individuals, groups, and corporations to restructure the way that they look at post-traumatic stress.

Kandidly Kristin: Okay. Okay. Well, let me just say that I'm really glad that you are here because that was a lot in a short period of time.

My God I'm so, so happy that you're here. And ladies, as we start to wrap this up, if I could just get closing comments from both of you, and that can be about whatever you want about this topic, just what would your last words be to my listeners on this subject and Krista your mics open so you can go first

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: for everybody that doesn't think that this matters or that it's important.There's a statistic that always hits me,. 80% of 21 year olds who reported childhood sexual abuse. And that's those who reported right. Meet the criteria for at least one psychological disorder.

Kandidly Kristin: Wow.

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: They are not okay.

Kandidly Kristin: They are not. Okay. Thank you for that. And Monaye

Monaye Etana: Basically. I would just say that regardless of what you have been through or someone else that, you know, it is so important to use your voice. Because a lot of times these things want to silence us. They want to, you know, Tell us that we mean nothing, but your voice is important.

Your voice is important for not only yourself for your healing journey, but also for the next person who's looking at you who was going to be inspired by your survival. So I would just say, use your voice. Don't let anything silence your voice.

Kandidly Kristin: Nice. Thank you. Thank you both for that. So as we come to the end of our time together, I just want to.

First, thank you both for doing re-do with me. And I really, really appreciate you sharing your time, your stories, your advice, your wisdom with me and my listeners. I hope that everybody that hears this when it goes out, if they are in need of help or know somebody that does can at least hear something encouraging that would encourage them to, to seek the help they need.

So thank you so much for joining me.

Monaye Etana: Thank you. Thank you so much for the invite

Krista "Phoenix" Fee: thank you for having us.

Kandidly Kristin: Oh, you're welcome. So guys, this is for, whoever's going to hear this. If you're out there and you need help, like immediate help. If you're in crisis, please call 9 1 1. Get the help you need. If you're out there and you hear this and you are the victim of.

Rape sexual assault, any kind of sexual abuse. There are resources. Sorry about that. I hit the arm for you out there. You can call. There's an organization called RAINN, R.A.I.N.N.. They have a 24 7 hotline. The number is 1-800-656-HOPE or 1-800-656-FOUR SIX SEVEN THREE you can call them and be connected with somebody that can

that can help you. If you're a man who's listening to this and you are the victim of a sexual assault or rape, there are a couple of different groups out there. There's a group called 1IN6 that's the number one. I n the number six.org forward slash helpline. You can go online and chat with someone and another group is male survivor.org.

So all of this information will be in the show notes as well. Krista's and Monaye contact information with clickable links to their websites, to Monet's book. All of that will be in the show notes as well as all of the resources. I just named an operation underground railroad. So I always end the show and I really, really, really wants you guys to keep it safe, keep it healthy and keep it Kandid

Krista Fee Profile Photo

Krista Fee

Author, International Speaker, Trauma Specialist

My name is Krista “Phoenix” Fee and I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, and TBI. I’ve spent my life learning and healing the invisible wounds trauma leaves on body, mind, and spirit. This journey has let me to over 46 certifications in diverse healing modalities and a traditional degree in Trauma Psychology. I have dedicated my life to ensuring healing resources are accessible, diverse, inclusive, real world applicable and effective. There is no one size fits all recovery. I am United States director for Global Healing Write Now, a UK organization helping survivors of childhood abuse tell their stories through writing and publication support, and Founder/President of Battle2BE a 501C3 non profit. I am a published author, international speaker, corporate program developer, and healing guide. Healing is a journey no one should have to walk alone!

We help front line helping professionals (Military, Police, Firefighters, Nurse, Medic, EMT etc) and survivors of child abuse, domestic violence, rape, and human trafficking overcome symptoms of PTS and Trauma Spectrum Injuries, find safety, connection, and healing so they can live a life of Passion, Purpose, Happiness, Growth, and Success. We have just released our Write2Heal program helping our clients integrate and process traumatic experiences and claim their voice, identity and truth. As well as our long running signature Foundations of Happiness program. We offer scholarships, sliding scale, and donation based programs for those in need. No one left behind-no one fights alone! Rise Phoenix rise out of the ashes of your experiences and live your life on fire.

Monaye Etana Profile Photo

Monaye Etana

Author

Monaye Etana is a native Floridian, holds a Bachelor of Science degree in Criminal Justice. She previously held a career as a Fingerprint Analyst. Since transitioning from that career, she has worked in the financial industry for the last decade. Monaye is an author, a mentor to teen girls, and an advocate for suicide and child abuse prevention. She is the owner of The Grief Path LLC which provides grief recovery services for grievers seeking healing. Her website is thegriefpath.com.

Last fall, Monaye released her new book called, "No Longer Bound" which was written based on her life's journey to healing from abandonment, child sexual abuse and assault. In her spare time, she also runs a Lupus blog to inspire others on a similar journey. Monaye is the proud mom of her son who is a Navy sailor and her daughter who is in grad school. For more information about Monaye, you can visit: www.favoredandfree.com. Her blog can be found at unbreakablesurvivor.com/blog/.

You may also follow her on Instagram @unbreakable_survivher and @thegriefpath.