Looking For Love: A Kandid Convo on Dating & Relationships! (Recorded Live on 2/8/2022)
Know yourself 1st!
Know your "why" for dating
Time is your friend!
Get to know people beyond the honeymoon phase!
Set your boundaries based on what's a...
Looking For Love: A Kandid Convo on Dating & Relationships! (Recorded Live on 2/8/2022)
Dr. Kaci Chamone,Certified Life Coach, Author of "It’s My Time", Podcast Host, Business Strategist, and Love Coach.
My distinguished panel of guests:
Ibbie Aromolaran, Dating Coach and Mental Health Therapist
Lilli Bewley,Feminine & Masculine Dating Coach
Shamaree Brissett, Relationship & Intimacy Coach
Intro: "Welcome to The Kandid Shop" by: Buss_TE
Outro: "Unreasonable Expectations": by Rafa Sessions
Looking For Love: A Kandid Convo on Dating & Relationships
Kandidly Kristin: Welcome to the Candace shop. We speak in north things. You time spent on it, just press play and let the canvas up. Welcome to the candy shop we speak in north things. You just press play. And then they brought me to the candy shop for that. We go through mad things, got to keep it real when they choose not.
We're going to talk about it when a new drive, welcome to the show where you know, we don't fake this security opinions and get sulfur fiddle. Make sense.
Hola podcast nation. It's your girl, Kandidly, Kristin. And this is the kandid shop. Tonight's episode. We are going to do a little bit of a deep dive into relationships, dating, finding love, and the barriers to that.
I am joined this evening by a former guest on the kandid shop and my guest. Co-host Dr. Kaci Chamone. Dr. Kaci is the owner and founder of speaking freedom life enhancement program. She is also a certified life and love coach business, strategist, and podcast host. She is one of my favorite guests and I'm so, so happy that she agreed to be a cohost for this episode.
Our expert panel of guests this evening include Ibbie, and I'm gonna try to say her name, Armoloran Ibbie as a dating coach, mental health therapist, and host of the sick of the situation. Ships podcast. Ibbie works with women to help them break free from cycles of toxic relationships and situation ships heal and move forward to securing happy, healthy love.
Our next guest is Shamaree Brissett. She is a relationship and intimacy coach specializing in helping millennial women get the confidence and pleasure they deserve. So they no longer settle for lack of satisfaction. Shamari is also a marriage and family theater. Who founded Shamari lab and lab looks like an acronym.
I'll ask her about that later relationship and intimacy coaching services. Her mission is to serve more people because she believes that everyone deserves real confidence, real satisfaction and real orgasms. Yes. Our last guest is Lilli Bewley. She is a feminine and masculine dating coach and the host of the Lilli Bewley podcast.
Lilli says the most important thing to know about her is that she loves big and she loves to help others love big. Lilli helps women and men date with confidence so they can find epic magnetic love, and she has some proven framework and the archetypes that our clients love and that we hope she shares with us.
Please join me in welcoming all our guests to the kandid shop. Welcome. Welcome, welcome. Yay. Everybody is here and I can hear everybody, and you can hear me, so we're just gonna get right into it. We did. Three relationship episodes in first season, but I wanted to do a rewind and dive a little deeper into some things.
Relationships are at the heart of everything that we do in life. Whether it's familial coworkers, intimate relationships, our relationships are at the heart of it. So I got some stats for you guys.
The stats for relationships are all over the place. So I kind of focused on singles and people that were dating and looking for relationships. So pew research center says that nearly half of us, adults say dating has gotten harder for most people in the last 10 years. they say they're not doing too well at all.
And that is somewhat difficult to find like-minded people to date or have a relationship with. I'd like to ask each of our guests, do you think that's true and what your reason would be for why dating is so difficult for people now or over the last 10 years? And I guess we can start with, Ibbie
Ibbie Aromoloran: okay. Hi there. Um, let's see. I want to say it might be a little bit more challenging because the stakes are higher now. Like people aren't just getting into relationships because they need to be, cause they need to survive. Like, you know, a lot of people are independent now they're doing their own thing, so they're not settling like they used to before.
So I think not only has it gotten, I don't, I wouldn't say necessarily more difficult. It's just, the stakes are a little bit higher and people don't exactly know they don't have the right tools to date healthily.
Kandidly Kristin: Okay. All right. Good answer. And Lilly.
Lilli Bewley: Ooh, I don't know. You know, thank you for posting this question.
So I haven't really thought about this, but I'll, wing it. I personally don't think that dating. So that's maybe why I don't connect with that stat. Like you mentioned before, the stats are up and down and all over the place. And I agree with that. I think the perception of dating maybe hard, because there are a lot of options out there.
I think there's just so many things that contribute to that. You know, whether that be, the amount of options out there could be like, why are you going out there and looking for relationship? Like, are you, are you lonely? Are you just looking at swipe or you swipe, are you swiping at the stoplight while you're in your car?
You know, there's a lot of things out there. I think that could make it hard for sure. but I personally think that dating is. It's like, so it's so much fun. And that's something that I like to talk about and teach. If you are aligned with like some certain things in your life. So I'm not sure if I really necessarily agree, but I can understand actually, you know what, I'm going to take that back.
I've been in that spot where it has been hard and it has been like through the, the date, like the download delete cycle. Um, and that's not fun, but, um, I don't know. Maybe I, maybe it is the options, but I also think maybe it's also the mindset.
Kandidly Kristin: Okay, good answer. Thank you for that.
Shamaree Brisett: Yeah. So I, I feel like I kind of agree with both of the ladies here.
So I think that there is kind of this thing where a lot of, especially people who are single there is that super independence and there's so many other things in your life that you're focusing on that maybe dating is not always the priority. , and so when you're doing that, maybe it is just for fun or, um, like Lilli was mentioning there's different motivations for that.
So like maybe I just want to hook up with someone and there's other people on that same app or in the same bar or the same grocery store they're out there. And I interacted with them, but they're looking for a relationship. I'm looking to hookup, you're looking for something different. So I think maybe there's the differences in what they're actually looking for.
And I don't think that people are always upfront with what they're looking for and that, I guess, to be difficult in that we don't know what we're doing here because neither one of us are actually telling each other what we want. And so I think maybe difficult in that way, but I don't know that it's different than it's ever been.
Other than like what's mentioned, there's so many more options. We have the internet, we have apps, we have technology. We can date more people in different places than previously. So yeah, that's kind of how I feel about it.
Kandidly Kristin: Oh, those are all great answers. And Dr. Kaci, your thoughts on that.
Dr Kaci Chamone: So I would say that, in addition to all of that in previous years, most times people didn't have the opportunity to, not deal with themselves, not face themselves.
They didn't have so many band-aids that they could use in order to avoid seeing themselves. So, now in addition to, the internet and all of those things, now you're dealing with people that's dealing with avoidance of their self issues. So now they're covering up and putting on band-aids. So, so now I don't even know what, who I am.
I don't know what I like. And now with more options, it doesn't force me to really know myself because if me and you don't get along and I hit it and quit it, then I can go to the next person. And if we don't get along and, a lot of times people are not developing friends. They're just, you know, I meet you.
I like you let's screw versus let's see what this relationship is supposed to be because sometimes, I say we pervert relationships and not meaning that we make them all sexual, but it's, it may be intended for one thing. but we feel chemistry and we automatically think, Ooh, man, that means we supposed to go and we supposed to do this.
But sometimes chemistry is just, the magic of the atmosphere that you're supposed to create something in. And if you don't know what it's, what's the purpose of the relationship. You can mess up something that's supposed to be a business partnership, a friendship, you know, family type relationship, just because you jumped the gun too fast.
So all of those things kind of muddy the water when it comes to relationship.
Kandidly Kristin: I agree. I definitely agree with that statement, Dr. Kaci, I don't think that it's at all possible to form any kind of relationship, intimate friendship until you know yourself. I really don't think you can do that. So I'm single and dating.
I got one question for everybody sex while dating. Yes or no.
Dr Kaci Chamone: Before I get married before my divorce, we didn't have sex or kiss or anything before we got married. So although I did that, I don't believe that that's sufficient. So I do definitely want to have, sex that I feel like it's worthy,
I mean, yeah, because, okay, so. When I say worthy, I'm thinking like, um, at least I know that we can get along long term. Like, you know, we can get beyond the small talk, talk about deep things, you know, like it has to be some substance there.
Kandidly Kristin: so I got a question for you. So sex when dating, where do, and I want to give the other ladies a chance to weigh in on their answers, but just keep this tucked in the back of your mind.
If, if you're having relations, when you're dating, where do you think that belongs? In terms of timeframe, like not hard and fast time, like 90 days or nonsense like that. But,
Dr Kaci Chamone: it depends on the vibe. I might, if I meet somebody and the vibe is good within the first couple of days, you might meet somebody and, you know, it takes a little bit longer to see if that's where you want to go with things, or that person may be celibate, who knows, you know, men be on their thing too.
So, um, it kind of just depends.
Kandidly Kristin: Okay, ladies, Lilli would you like to weigh in on that or Ibbie, or whoever I don't want to, you know, tell you guys what order to go and that's way too structured for me so
Ibbie Aromoloran: I can go. Okay. If Lilli doesn't mind. Are you okay? Okay, cool. , I definitely think it depends on the person and then their intentions.
Like what is your reason for dating, right? Because if you're looking for a certain end goal and you happen to know within yourself that sex is your kryptonite, that's when that's, what's going to get you to fall for someone immediately before they've even shown themselves worthy. Then I would say, hold off, like put restrictions on yourself, give yourself an actual timeline or an actual, like, you know, number of things that that person has done.
Like if they've shown their character, if they've, you know, shown that they're worthy, then do that. But if, you know, within yourself that that's going to cloud your judgment or, you know, it doesn't align with the goals that you have set, then I would say, hold off. But if you are okay with doing that and it doesn't cloud your judgment and it's not interfering with your goals, then.
By all means first date, second date like whatever he wants, you have to know yourself. Okay.
Kandidly Kristin: And I was going to say, that's the bottom line to that is you have to know that about yourself. The time to decide that is an after. And then you're like, oh, wow. I don't know if I can see him clearly.
So the knowing yourself part goes back to the first thing we discussed, got to know yourself. So Lilli or Shamari either one of you.
Shamaree Brisett: Yeah, I was just gonna say a long kind of that thought frame is I'm a full advocate of do what you want to do. And when I say that, I mean, you specifically, so every person has their own intentions, their own background, their own experiences, not what society is telling you to do not, oh, he's not going to like me anymore.
If I don't do this or I need to make him wait or he's not gonna take me seriously, what do you want to. Taking out all of those external things, if you want to do it. Um, and, and kinda like what Ibbie mentioned too, just knowing yourself, because some people are not equipped to handle those situations and that's fine that doesn't make you bad weak or whatever.
Like everyone's just different. Right? So knowing yourself, if you want to do it, I I've had experiences. I've known people first day, um, years down the line, it doesn't determine what the relationship is going to be in any way. So if that's something that you want to do and you guys are on the same page, because that's also important, don't go into a situation thinking that this is going to be your husband, and he's just trying to hook up with you and in a situation where you're disappointed.
So. Kind of knowing that or having at least in mind that sort of idea that, that you're on sort of the same page, at least close to the same page. I think that is totally okay to do it whenever you're ready. Whenever you want.
Kandidly Kristin: Okay. And Ms. Lilli?
Lilli Bewley: Yes. Ma'am. Oh, I appreciate all those, uh, perspectives and I liked, yeah, I'm definitely on the line of, of what everyone has been saying.
So I must say it again, is like, what are your intentions like for me? What I do, my zone of genius is helping, men and women get into committed relationships. So that's where I'm going to come from. Okay. And so it's an interesting dance, right? , I think we all know about the honeymoon period at the beginning when everything's really juicy and things are flowing and things are, are, uh, just, you know, explosive and magnetic and.
What, the things that, that I see your experience in, I teach, especially when it comes to sex, is that the longer that we can hold off with sex, and this is again, like I'm gonna, you know, I'm going to bump up, but what the other speakers are saying too, which is like, it's all up to you, but I know that the longer that we can hold off sex, the more opportunities we have with real, like emotional intimacy, like that's where I live is the emotional intimacy.
And that's what most women want. So if we think about like, how great and like just extravagant and so juicy, that honeymoon period is what we really want is that, like that tension, right. That sexual tension that we have at the beginning. Right. Um, how, how long, and it's not a game, but just more of like, you know, I want to honor myself, like I'm coming from a woman's perspective.
Like I want to honor myself by having this man show me by his actions. What he's all about right before we get to sex.. because sex can really change a lot of things, as we know, right? Like, our hormones and catching feels and all the things and overthinking and all of that stuff. So what I like to do, and what I teach people to do is that is like, again, like the longer that we can hold that off, the better, the odds that we can kind of really determine with a very like straight mindset.
Well, you know, what is this man all about? Is he it along the same values as I am? Are we walking the same path? Things aren't really as cloudy. I don't think when sex is involved and it's fun, like think of how fun flirting is and how that tension is just so good. It's so delicious and so juicy.
So that, that's my take. And I don't think it's black and white and I definitely think it's like, whatever's on your taste, but I can tell you, from a biological perspective, you know, I'm, I'm not the doctor in the show, but like the hormones that get that get involved when, when we get into these physical relationships, especially with women where they're like oxytocin is for.
Like is for like going into relationship. Right. And for like attachment and love. So not that we want to deny ourselves that, but let's just, let's play. Let's like dip our toe in the water. Right. Let's let's get like, try to give it to ourselves in other ways. So we don't look at it, um, from other people.
Kandidly Kristin: Okay. Well, thank you for those answers. We had one, uh, Chanel S says, when there is an understanding of intention, sex is not a necessity or a guarantee, which is what some people fail to realize, make your stance clear from the beginning. And that statement is a great segue into communication expectation when you're dating, when you're, going out with, with people, communication expectation and your own personal boundaries, how important is that in.
From where you guys, cause you guys do this for a living and I'm always interested to know how much, like when I'm dating, how much I should share when you know, I'm not big on you don't have to tell them my whole life story. Like every single thing that happened since the womb. so if you guys could just again, and I liked having a panel because I have all these perspectives, , if you guys could just share where communication, expectations and boundaries kind of fall into, if I was your client, what would you be talking to me about where those three things are. concerned.
Shamaree Brisett: Yeah, I'll go. So I love me some boundaries. I love it. I live for it. I don't play about boundaries. So I think that that's something that happens right away because just, just the way that you interact with someone, the types of things that you discuss, those are boundaries. So even if you're not explicitly outlining them, the way that you handle yourself, the way that you interact is demonstrating them to a certain extent.
So I think that that's something that happens pretty much right away. As things unfold. If you're going to take this person a little bit more seriously, then you start to be a little bit more clear and a little bit more forward with what those boundaries are, hopefully. , because it's very important. We all need to have some boundaries, whether that's with a friends, with benefits, a situationship or relationship, whatever your intention is, there needs to be some sort of boundaries, some sort of understanding.
And as far as expectations, that kind of goes along with boundaries, your expectations. Inform your boundaries. So what you are hoping for, or what you need or what you want, being able to express that and then being able to see if that person's able to meet you there, or if it's even worth going further.
Because if I tell you that I want, I'm looking for someone to marry and you're not on that at all, then I don't even need to waste my time. Right. So I feel like that should be something that is discussed upfront and no, you don't need to tell your whole life story. So like, this is why I have trust issues.
This person did this and this person left me and you don't need to do that. But I do think that kind of upfront, like, this is what I hope for. This is what I'm looking for. What is it that you're looking for and having that sort of conversation as a basis. And then from there, if you go on a few dates, and things kind of unfold naturally, I think, or I hope, I mean, I haven't dated in a very long time,, but I, for me, it's always kind of unfolded naturally, throughout conversations or if you're on social media, we see the posts like this is what's going on.
This person cheated on, like, you express your opinions on those and that you can use that as a way to start that conversation. If you're afraid to. Start at yourself, use prompts.
Kandidly Kristin: All right. And Ms. Lilly,
Lilli Bewley: yeah, that was such a good explanation of all that stuff. I feel like communication expectation boundaries is like, how long do you want to be on Podbean?
I mean, what I like to know when I'm dating and when my clients are dating, it was very similar to what Shamaree said, which is like, here's the path that I want to walk down. Are you at least going to walk down? Like, are you walking down the same path?, one of the archetypes that I have is called the chill.
Okay. And she is, um, she gets really kind of bamboozled sometimes with, with the, with the man that is like, oh, I want to hang out or I want to chill. And it's pretty like, very noncommittal about, about kind of what his intent, what his intentions are. So maybe he's not clear, but the way that she perceives that as like, oh, okay.
Let's just see what happens, but what. Do y'all y'all know what tends to happen, what tends to happen. Sorry if I'm calling anybody out, but like, sorry.
Well, what tends to happen is like, normally you go, they go, y'all go to a sex early and then there's feels and then there's ghosting. Like, that's the process. And so it's all about like communication, expectations and boundaries, which is what Shamari said. Right? Like, so if you're in the relation or you're walking in to this kind of relationship with someone and dating relationship, it's like, where are you and where do you want to go?
I think like, for me, that is the very first thing that I want to know. And that's kind of what I teach my clients too. And then, I just wanted to, one person said like, I know what, what I want, but it's hard. And, I'm just kind of curious about that too, because I feel like that that is. Right. Like most of us probably that are here listening, at least spending time in this, in this space where we're, we're focused on growth.
We like, we know what we don't want. Right. But then, but then getting to that point of getting what we do want, that is the massive gap. Right. And I think that what you're talking about is everything. Like, you know, a lot of what we've been talking about here too, but, yeah. I just hope that's helpful.
Kandidly Kristin: Yeah. Thank you so much. And who didn't go. Ibbie,
Ibbie Aromoloran: the questions about communication boundaries and expectations. Right? Right. Okay. So communication. I do believe it is important to let your expectations be known early on. Maybe not in a very somber and formal way, but asking questions such as you know, like where do you see yourself in three years?
And then they tell you, and if they don't mention married and that's what you want, then you know, you know what to do at that point. So like, you can say things like in having general conversations, where do you see yourself in three years? Oh, well, I see myself married. I see maybe a child on the way, blah, blah, blah.
So they know upfront that this is not a game for you. Like you're actually dating for marriage or whatever it is that you're dating for. You can state your expectations upfront just by having general conversation and then boundaries. If it boundaries like you don't want them coming over your place until a certain time, you can say that you can be fun.
You can be flirty, you know, like, oh, wouldn't you want to come over? Well, I'm not ready for that yet. You know, like you can have fun with this stuff. It doesn't have to be a dreadful dating experience, but you can still let people know where you stand and still have fun.
Kandidly Kristin: Got it. All right, Dr. Kaci,
Dr. Kaci, oh, I think Dr. Kaci's audio went out. So we talked, we've been talking about singles and somebody mentioned situation ships friend with benefits, and I wanted to that it was a good segue. Cause I had that in my bullet, like situation ships, friends with benefit ships. Are they the same?
Ibbie Aromoloran: can I take this one?
Kandidly Kristin: You sure. You sure.
Ibbie Aromoloran: Situation ships. That is my specialty right there. I definitely, I distinguish between situation ships and friends with that. Okay. He is friends with benefits is more understood. Like this is what it is. We're having benefits. We're having fun. We're friends, it's more defined.
And both people hopefully are on the same page, whereas with a situationship, however, it's usually from what I've experienced, one person hoping they can secretly make the other person want to be in a relationship. And the other person just kind of stringing them along. Like, there's no definition, but it's like, oh, we both know what we have.
We're both. We both understand, but there's no true understanding. Like some things are missed between the two and a lot of times people stick around with the hope that it can become something else. When the one person's telling you, they're okay with how the relationship is, but you have a hope that it's going to go somewhere else.
It creates a disconnect. And I don't see that ever leading anywhere. But with friends with benefits, I've seen that lead to successful relationships.
Kandidly Kristin: Okay.
Dr Kaci Chamone: Can, can I, can I jump in?
Kandidly Kristin: You sure can.
Dr Kaci Chamone: Okay. So I wanted to go back because I felt like I was different than all of the other ladies answers with the communication expectation and boundaries.
And then I'm going to do the friends with benefits. So when I, when I think of the importance of communication is number one for me, but I am not structured when it comes to dating. I don't want to sit down and talk about what I expect from the other person, because, that would run me off personally. I don't want to go into something knowing that they are looking for something from me, because to me, that means that you can come with your representative more than actually being yourself.
When, if you just meet somebody, you become friends and allow it to kind of progress where you just talk about different stuff, what you got going on, you know, what you're into and things like that. And then the, expectations will. Roll out on their own. And then the more you understand yourself, the more you will have natural boundaries where some things would just turn you off more than you having to say, well, this is a boundary.
No, this is, you know, I'm just going to be cool. And once I see things that I don't like, then I will communicate that, or that will be my cue to exit stage. Right. Um, and then when it comes to friends with benefits, so I've been in a situationship before and they can be, one person wanting more than the other person, but sometimes is.
That at all. Sometimes it is literally just two people who are friends with benefits, but they look out for each other. They have a little bit more commitment. Or skin in the game than just a friends with benefits. It's more of going like into a relationship, but it depends on how you decide to take it.
Now, situation ships come in all shapes and sizes because are people that are expecting more and somebody's expecting less. And that doesn't always mean it's the woman. Sometimes men want more than what they say. They just not going to tell you that they want more. They're going to do little things.
They're going to say little things to where if you take the hit versus them saying it, then they will, you know, it will lead somewhere. And, then with friends with benefits, it's just somebody that I like that I might want to hump on or kiss on or something like that. But. that is more, dangerous than a situationship because when you start being friends with benefits, if those benefits get screwy, then it can mess up a great friendship.
And I try to tread lightly with that. , it's almost like putting somebody in a friend zone and taking them out and then trying to put them back after you then smashed. And that's just don't. Oh,
Kandidly Kristin: got it. Got it. Got it. who didn't have a chance to, to answer that when I think we all did right.
Shamaree Brisett: Well, I, I wanted to say something.
so I am married to my friends with benefits situationship, because we've gone through all the stages and 10, 10 years we'd been through it all. Um, so. I do not recommend necessarily doing it that way. However, I, I do believe that it is possible, but as I mentioned before with the boundaries is very important that you have those boundaries and those understandings.
So if, you know, like throughout each stage and as feelings changed, so maybe we start out as friends with benefits, you, you, my little sneaking link, I'm a call you come through, you do what you do. And that's what it is. But if at any point on either side, if our feelings have started to change, then we need to be communicating that.
And I need to let you know, like, Hey, I don't know if I can do this anymore. This is where I'm at right now in my life. And maybe I'm looking for something different than what I was before. And that's okay. That happens. We're humans. It happens. Um, there needs to be a conversation though, because secretly hoping, wishing and waiting for someone to be on the same page as you, but not telling them that you want them to be on the same page is going to leave you more times than not hurt.
So it's very important that it's communicated and you can move through those stages. My husband and I did not do it very gracefully at first. So it was a very, very much a back and forth, a little bit of a struggle, but I believe that if we had been a little bit more upfront with our emotions and if we were on the same page with expressing those things and those changes as they were happening, it would have been a lot better, a lot smoother.
So I do believe it can happen. but only if you're willing. Parties or all parties, if there's more than two. Yeah. I'm very, very open and honest. Got it.
Kandidly Kristin: So since you just gave me my next segway ma'am, and we've been talking, you know, for this portion about people that are single dating and so forth situation ships.
So I wanted to move into, people who are partnered in committed relationships, not they could be married or, or just in a committed relationship. Like it's just them and one other person or two or three other people. I wanted to get you guys' thoughts and feelings on poly relationships and is monogamy still a thing at all.
But before we do that, we had somebody call in and I wanted to open the. In case she had a question Keyjuana who was in the room is Omnikeyz. Who's also been a guest and a staunch supporter of the podcast. Did you have a question for the ladies?
Keyjuana Jones: Hi everybody. Can you hear me? Yes, ma'am. Okay. I'm not sure if it's a question, but I'm interested in, what someone might think about, how I feel about the situation, but when it comes to boundaries and communication, I totally agree with someone.
Um, I think it was, uh, was it Kaci? That was talking about, , really just not having expectations, but not having expectations and having boundaries at the same time, without, controlling the person by telling them this is what I expect from you, you know, and making them feel burdened with what you desire in the relationship.
And so I'm the one that said in the beginning that, dating is hard, right. Because I know what I want. And what I should have said is dating is pretty much non-existing for me because now I know what I want when I say what I want. Okay. You know, I would date. And they would demonstrate what I didn't want and when they demonstrated what I did want, I would, compromise that.
But now that I know what I want, um, dating gets knocked out the box with, uh, what are you doing? Dating get knocked out of the box, ? Cause that's all you got to say what you're doing. Imagine every friends, what you're doing, dating gets knocked out of the box with, uh, send me a pic, you know what I'm saying?
And so, because I want compatibility, I don't want to change anyone. Right. And so before I knew what I want, I was all about trying to change people, but I didn't realize that's what I wanted. I didn't realize that's what I was doing. Right. I was going into relationships. I was dating, trying to get somebody to want what I want so that we can make it happen.
There's no lead in. It happened. It's got the flow. That's what I really meant by dating is hard. Is pretty much non-existent for me right now until I do the work on my own. So until I do the psychic work, the spiritual work until I can, um, do the work needed for me to align myself with, a different kind of vibration when it comes to the, kind of people that's, uh, I can't think of the word, the kind of people that come into my life.
Let me just simply like that. Okay. So thank you for work, and then we'll see what happens. That's right. And it'll happen. It'll happen. Trust me. It'll happen. And if it doesn't. You know, it is what it is. Yep.
Kandidly Kristin: All right. Well, thank you for that, Ms. Omni keys, and I'm going to, oh, you're welcome. So ladies relationships, let's talk about relationships is I think my thing was is monogamy a thing anymore?
Shamaree Brisett: I like that real monogamy
Dr Kaci Chamone: I think that when it comes to relationships, it's to each his own, because what works for one person might not work for somebody else. And what I realized in becoming a sex coach is that, A lot of people, like a lot of different things that people with a more religious or Christian mindset might not realize.
So, um, a lot of things that they are ashamed of, there is somebody that can, that is willing and can meet your, every desire. So for some people, monogamy will work, but for some other people, it won't. And especially for people that are prone to cheating, um, I don't think that that's like a error in the person.
I think that some people just have that type of disposition. Um, just like it's different species of lion. I'm not lions of animals, cats in the cat world. There are different species of humans. So, um, somebody may have a more sexual nature or, or need more than the next person. And it could be determined by genetics, DNA, blood type, anything who knows at this point, but.
I see where poly works for people. I don't disagree with it. I don't know if I would do it. It would have to be some extreme circumstance to make me even open to it. Um, but I, I, as a sex coach, I watch it all.
Kandidly Kristin: Got it, got it. Got it. And, Ibbie,
Ibbie Aromoloran: yeah, I'll I have just a little brief input. I think knowing your people want polygamy and polyamory and stuff is because.
Of deeper issues. Like it's not actually that that's what they want because it's usually ends up being one sided. Like they want it because they think that they can't be committed to someone. And that's not a reason to be in a poly relationship. Like people in those relationships that are doing it right.
They're actually all gaining from the relationship equally. And it's like, it's something they're enjoying, you know, other people who say they just want that a lot of the time. It's like, if they don't know why they want it and they're just doing it because, oh, they cheated a few times and it's like, oh, this might be the answer.
Don't go into it with, this might be the answer. Like actually know what you're getting yourself into and know what goes into it and structure it, how you would like it to be structured.
Kandidly Kristin: Right. And there, so that it works for everybody involved.
Ibbie Aromoloran: Exactly.
Kandidly Kristin: Got it. Got it. Got it. Ms. Lilli, any thoughts on.
I have thoughts, all of that. Ibbie for sure. Um, and I just want to say, like, this is not my zone of genius. My zone of genius is more committed in monogamous relationships, but I do have opinions. and right. The thing that people don't, at least from what I see, what people don't talk about it with polyamory is exactly what Ibbie was talking about is like, is this a band-aid for like a crumbling relationship?
Or is this like kind of like an addiction or is this, a representation of, deeper seated, you know, traumatic issues that may need to be healed. Right. And, I have seen personally people that have excepted. You know, we're talking about boundaries here and I, you know what, I'm an AMI, thank you for speaking up.
And I seriously think that what we want is the boundary. And, but I've also seen like these, you know, I guess people would term them as like codependent type people agree to polyamory, but that's not in their highest good or, you know, self honoring. Right. So I personally think that polyamory is, you know, it, it seems like, um, the doctor has a different opinion, but I personally think that polyamory is very, very hard to pull off consciously, , that people really need what Ibbie was saying.
That people really need to be on the same page. Like to a T B and be able to communicate, be emotionally, grounded, be emotionally communicative, just be really in touch with themselves. in order to make that work that's again, my opinion, I don't, this isn't
Dr Kaci Chamone: most people don't do that in monogamous relationships.
So people get into monogamous relationships because of codependency because they need somebody, people do.
Kandidly Kristin: And I think that if you can't get it right with one person, you certainly aren't going to be able to
Lilli Bewley: yeah, exactly. How many cooks in the kitchen. Exactly. Yeah. That's why.
Kandidly Kristin: So I think it all goes back to knowing who you are at base level and in a monogamous relationship, people can change and grow apart and separate amicably in a poly relationship.
You just have the added. Components of, you know, nobody's going to stay the same forever and ever, and ever. And so.
Dr Kaci Chamone: Have you, I don't know anything about, or this is just from what you hear from it because I'm a researcher. So I don't have a lot of people so that I can study the environment of polygamy. Um, I not only studied it in school, on an educational level, but like I actually joined Facebook groups just so that I can learn about the people that choose this lifestyle, as well as, the, about the lifestyle in general.
And a lot of these people are not hurt people. A lot of these people are no different than if somebody that saying that they're monogamous and then creeping or having an emotional affair or, uh, looking at somebody else upset up and down and wanting or desiring after somebody else. All of those things are no different then.
Kandidly Kristin: Uh, I mean like, well, let me just interrupt this. Polygamy and polyamory aren't the same.
Polygamy is somebody having multiple wives. Polyamory is somebody having multiple intimate relationships, but they don't have, but they don't have to be married.
Dr Kaci Chamone: you can't get married to more than one person. So technically none of them would be married. Uh, the, no matter what type of relationship that involves with more than two people, it still takes the same. And w no matter what relationship that involves more than just you and yourself, it still takes the same amount of commitment, communication, openness, willingness to forgive and see things.
The other way is not, there is no real difference. It's just adding somebody else. Somebody might be bisexual. So they want both a man and a woman. That's not something that means if something is wrong with that person, they just have a different desire than you. That's it.
Kandidly Kristin: Okay. Dr. Kaci, do you have your headphones?
Probably echo. Okay. Because whenever you're open, there's crazy echo. and yes, those statements are indeed very, very true, but I still land in the camp of it's. It's a lot of monogamous. People are in poly relationships and don't know it. Cause their boyfriend, husband, wife is cheating. I don't think that that person is going to go into an open poly relationship and be like, this is better, but I don't know because it's not for me, but that doesn't mean that that's like for everybody.
Ibbie Aromoloran: Can I say something? Sure. Yeah. I think to clarify, I don't think Lilli and I were saying that people who are in those relationships are damaged. We were just saying like, just know your why for getting into any type of relationship. Like if there no, if there are deep rooted issues there for monogamy poly, like whatever relationship you're in.
No, you're why, what's your intention for going into it. Right. So just wanted to clarify that. Right.
Kandidly Kristin: Okay. Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So, does anybody else have any comments about that before we,, talk about toxic red flags in relationships, situation, ships, friends with benefits, single or dating?
, what things, if you ladies are giving somebody advice, what to look for? That's a red flag for narcissism or toxicity. What would those things be?
Ibbie Aromoloran: Coming on too strong, too fast. That's one key feature of like narcissism and toxicity is like, love bombing, where they come on really strong.
They don't even really know you. And they're already talking about, oh, when are you going to be my wife? Oh, when are you having my babies? And they haven't even got a chance to know you yet. That can be a red flag because, you know, in healthy relationships, there's like a mutuality there. Like we get to know about each other little by little.
It's not like one person chasing and the other person down and overwhelming them. So that's one red flag.
Kandidly Kristin: Anybody else? Lilly?
Lilli Bewley: Yeah, I think, you know, that's a good one for sure. And I think, , like being open, like we were talking, I love talking about boundaries too. So whoever said, you know, I can talk about boundaries all day.
I'm with you. And I, they, like when I am dating, I have some, like specific requests at the beginning, just to kind of make sure I don't want to go out and go on a date and waste my time with someone. So I like having to chat on the phone with them. And if I am, I'm asking my potential date to like, Hey, how do you know?
I'd love to hear your voice? How about we, we chat for a little bit and if, it's maybe not perceived like, as honoring, if someone is doesn't honor, that doesn't honor a request. Um, yeah, I said like that would be a runaway thing for me.
Kandidly Kristin: Okay Shamaree
when you initially were asking the question, I was thinking about it just like more in general terms. , so not necessarily related to like narcissistic, traits or related to abusive traits or controlling traits.
Well, just any red flags,
Shamaree Brisett: Right, so just in general, a red flag to me, or that I would say for anyone is if you know what your, non-negotiables are the things that are very most important to you and you express that to someone and they repeatedly are either violating it knowingly.
so obviously you have to tell them, these are the things that are important to you and they're constantly violating them. And then if you tell them, Hey, you did this and this is how I feel about it, but they can't respect it, even if they don't understand it, because sometimes people don't and they don't feel that way themselves.
That's fine. But having that. respect is very important for me. So I feel like anytime they're not able to respect what your perspective is even if they can't understand it, even if they don't agree. for me, that is a red flag because you can't later than when the relationship progresses expect that they're going to learn to respect those things.
If they showed you already
Kandidly Kristin: got it. Yep. Dr. Kaci. Hello, Dr. Kaci. Yes. She's having audio issues. So ladies, each of you individually in your own, right, are a relationship dating. Coach. So what I'd like from each of you, cause time is just flying. This hour goes way too fast. I'd like each of you to kind of give my listeners, the people in the room now and the people that will hear it when it goes out to the world on podcast platforms, just a little brief glimpse into what you do.
Like who's your typical client for each of you
Lilli Bewley: I'll jump in yet. Thanks for this conversation, everyone. I love talking about relationships and, I don't know, spreading the love too. So, I work mostly with women who, are really familiar with anxiety and overwhelm in dating. Like this tends to flare up in the span of like 24 or 48 hours after not hearing from the other person.
Um, as I mentioned mentioned before, she tends to get ghosted a lot. She doesn't really understand why. She probably very similar to like the situationship that that Ibbie talks about is she tends to have sex pretty quickly, but really kind of wants something more or maybe thinks that she can be friends.
But it doesn't really end up that way. So, and that's a pattern. I do let a lot of really deeper healing work, with people that have, gone through therapy or those goes to therapy, , and who have gone through other programs, but can't really seem to break some of these patterns. So I like to call myself the cleanup crew, with the deeper emotional stuff and, and help people unlayer.
just really so they can call in like higher caliber. Dates, right? Like the, what you doing, you know, type of texts. I don't know. I think that we can, we can take action and like set boundaries at the beginning and expectations and intentions and everything that we've talked about tonight. So we really don't even have to entertain that or, you know, we catch it pretty quickly.
And so I really, like I said, I love to make dating fun. Yeah.
Kandidly Kristin: Actually, because you coached both men and women, what is your, your typical male client?
Lilli Bewley: Mm that's a great question. , the male kind is more of what I call the buddy. He, uh, yeah, he gets, he gets, yeah. He's um, he gets friend zoned or. Um, he hears, from his friends and family.
Oh, you're such a great guy. I don't know what's happening with you or whatever, but he tends to hang around a little bit too long, in relationships and he really wants connection, but he just can't seem to, to like to lead in the relationships and he may be picking the wrong women to, in order to do that.
So those typically the, the profile of the man that I work with too.
Kandidly Kristin: Okay. And Shamaree
Shamaree Brisett: So I am a relationship and intimacy coach and I specialize in helping millennial women get the confidence and pleasure that they deserve so that they no longer settle for lack of satisfaction, especially within relationships.
So that is a woman, whether it's single friends with benefits, situation, ship, or in a relationship that struggle with. Having intimacy, deep connection, struggle with their sex life, getting the pleasure that they deserve out of it struggle with having orgasms or, just getting their needs met. So anyone who has tried and tried and has not still not getting what they want, and they feel like they've exhausted a lot of different options.
I like to help those women.
Kandidly Kristin: Okay. All right. And I wish I had time to go deeper into how you do that. How each of you do that, but I'll have to do one-on-one chit chats with all three of you to get that out there. And we're going to talk about that too, but Ibbie, who is your typical.
Ibbie Aromoloran: Hey everyone. My name is Ibbie
I'm a dating coach and therapist. My typical client is a woman who has cycled through toxic relationships in situation ships, and wants to be in a monogamous relationship that leads to marriage. So I work a lot with women who they have, like trauma bonds, toxic relationships, co-dependency attachment issues and things like that.
And they just feel like they keep cycling through it. And just want to understand why. So I take it from like a childhood perspective, like what were your relationships like with your parents and then take it from there and see how it's affecting their current relationships today.
Kandidly Kristin: Got it. And Dr. Kaci, if you can unmute, let me hear if you still have that echo,
Dr Kaci Chamone: I'm so scared to even talk on a mess up your show.
Kandidly Kristin: Now that sounds really good.
Dr Kaci Chamone: So typically I actually, am a community based, provider. So I survey rooms and give feedback and give, Helpful advice to people based on my psychology education and all of the coaching education that I have. And I try to use,, real life situations, most times of celebrities or people that's already in the public eyes so that I don't have to, rain on anybody's parade.
And I use that to give people feedback and understanding of why people do the things they do and how they become who they are,, basically, and kind of, uncover the parameters of, spirituality, human behavior and life in general.
Kandidly Kristin: Good. Now, who would, I'm 54. I'm single. I've been married once. I been divorced for many, many years.
My ex-husband and I are actually really good friends who would be the best person for me because I am interested in a committed, monogamous. Relationship. I don't know if it has to be marriage, but definitely committed and monogamous. So who would take me on as a client?
Ibbie Aromoloran: I'd probably take you on as a client at the woman I work with.
That's what they're looking for.
Kandidly Kristin: I'm old now. Cause with age comes the added concern with how do I blend my 54 years on the planet? My, my business, everything that I established as Kristin with somebody else who is, you know, of my age or possibly. How do we make that work? I'm not, I'm not, I don't want to move in.
I love my house. I got the things that I like here. You know what I mean?
Ibbie Aromoloran: Yeah. Yeah. That definitely be an ease and gradually type of thing. On the plus side, there are many people out there who are looking for the same things as you and have the same concerns as you. So it's like, you know, when you're first starting to get to know someone, definitely don't start thinking ahead, like, oh, okay.
What does that mean next? And we move in together. Are we about to get married? Like just take it for what it is, enjoy the moment, enjoy the process. And at that point, those types of conversations will happen as time is progressing. So you don't have to like freak yourself out about it early on my oldest client to get in a.
Monogamous relationship after working with me was 44. And then my client, one of my clients who got married, I think my oldest client to get married was 36 after working with me. So I haven't, I haven't got a 54 year old married yet, but
Kandidly Kristin: you never know. You never know that's hope for me yet. So we are at like the one hour and a little over mark.
I try to keep it tight to the hour because my episodes are rerun on an internet radio station, Block 105 radio and they only give me an hour slot. And I hate it when I can't get the whole episode in, because I went over time in saying that I am going to thank each of you for joining me. I'm going to ask our other two callers on the line.
If they have any thoughts, comments, or words, they like to say James or Omni keys and open the floor up to them briefly. And then we will wrap up.
Keyjuana Jones: No, I'm okay, but thank you everyone for all of your input. That was wonderful. Thank you. This is Keyjuana Omnikeyz.
Kandidly Kristin: Thank you. And the only guy in the room,
James P: the only fly on the wall,
black Cherokee, I want to say thank you to the panel. a lot of good information. I find that, I was relating to quite a few here. So quite briefly, I will say that, the dating scene for me. It's pretty much the way I approach life. Uh, if I'm going to find somebody I liked, then I have to do the things I like.
And maybe I'll meet somebody that likes the same things when I'm out there doing it. And that's how things start, expectations and acceptance, I think, which is one thing, you know, very few people said are key one. I have to accept myself that this is what I want, what I don't want. And you're okay.
Having your opinion about things and it doesn't impact me unless I let it. so my expectations in a relationship at the beginning are, Hey, we're just trying to feel this out. So there is no guarantee you're going to like me tomorrow, let alone tonight. So how easy, see how it goes and let tomorrow happen tomorrow.
And I will say one final. That's it. Very nice. Thank you. Thank you. And I will say the one last thing, which I know very few men do. I've had a few relationships in my life. I've been married twice by the way. And I will say between my first marriage and my second. I thought I knew what I wanted my first and I say it's a little bit different, but it took me 18 years before I made that step again.
And the reason why was that I sat down after I cried for like four years trying to figure out what happened. I sat down and I started to imagine what type of person I wanted in my life. And that journey took me a long time. 13 adjectives and descriptives down to your fingernails to what size shoes she wears to whether or not she has locs..
You know what I mean? And in doing that, I started to realize what I wanted. And it wasn't too much different than before. So if you can do that and accept yourself and you're on your square, then it doesn't matter whether somebody likes you or not. You as you go through life that the person ends up liking you for who you are.
And then if you're walking the same path together, you'll find out you've been holding hands before you even knew that the topic of relationships come up. That's how I approach.
Kandidly Kristin: Well, thank you for that, James. I appreciate your, I appreciate your input. I appreciate your presence in the room. I appreciate you.
You know, I hope you were taking notes. I appreciate each and every one of you, Lilli Keyjuana, Dr. Kaci.
Shamari. I appreciate each and every one of you for spending this hour with me, it felt like it was only 10 minutes and I wish I had more time. I am doing a part two next Tuesday, same time, 8:00 PM. But we're going to be talking about living in loving after narcissistic or toxic relationships.
And I've got some guests on who are experts in that field, and then a few people who are on the other side of that kind of relationship. So that should be interesting. Next week is living in love and after a narcissist relationship, and this was a live kandid convo on dating relationships and finding love in 2022. I want to thank my special guest. Co-host Dr. Kaci, I'm going to send you the best headsets ever. You never going to have problems with your headset again, Lilli Bewley Ibbie Aromoloran
thank you all for joining the show, one of the drawbacks to pod bean is that the chat is not preserved. Unfortunately, once I exit out of this room, it's gone. So everybody's contact information. Guys will be in the show notes. It'll also be on the website, www.thekandidshop.com. It'll have all the guests information where you can reach them.
Thank you all so very much for joining me this evening. And as I say, in closing every episode, I want you all to keep it safe, keep it healthy and keep it kandid!
Dating Coach + Therapist
Ibbie is a dating coach and mental health therapist who works with women to help them break free from the cycles of toxic relationships and "situationships", heal, and move forward to securing happy, healthy love.
Author/ CEO / Mom / Spiritual Advisor
Dr Kaci Owner and founder of Speaking Freedom is a Certified Life Coach, Published Author (It’s My Time, 2006), Podcast Host, Business Strategist, and Love Coach. After overcoming all the obstacles of Life, Dr. Kaci grew into a well-rounded and compassionate leader, who has spent most of her adult life dedicated to God and understanding her purpose. Over the last decade Dr. Kaci has been helping anyone she encounters grow in Purpose, Self-Acceptance, Healing beyond Trauma, Showing Love to everyone you encounter, and more! Dr. Kaci believes that Love encompasses Accountability, Responsibility and Self Discipline! After years of research Dr. Kaci, coined as the Cardiologist of the Emotionally Scarred, developed Spiritual Human Behavior, a new area of psychology that brings Spirituality, Human Behavior & Heart Healing to unlock Individual Purpose. The Theory of Spiritual Human Behavior Book is scheduled to be release early 2022, but The Faith Collection, a 4 part self-paced & optional Coach Supported course (4 Audiobooks & 4 Workbooks), as well as other books in production.
Feminine & Masculine Dating Coach
I'm excited about this opportunity to drop in with you & have a great conversation. The most important thing about me is that I love big & I help others love big too. I help women & men date with confidence so they can find epic, magnetic love. I want them to know that dating can be fun, even in their 30s & 40s. We have the ability to create magnetic energy in our dating lives even if we have to perform & be high achievers in other areas of our lives. What's missing is the embodiment of our self-love & secure attachment by not being anxious when dating & by not sleeping with them before we really really really want to. I have some proven frameworks & archetypes that people really love. I really want women & men to know that there is a better way.
Relationship & Intimacy Coach
Shamaree Brissett is a Relationship & Intimacy Coach, specializing in helping millennial women get the confidence and pleasure they deserve so that they no longer settle for lack of satisfaction (especially in relationships). Shamaree is also a Marriage & Family Therapist that has been providing counseling services for nearly a decade. She started Shamaree L.A.B. LLC (Relationship & Intimacy Coaching Services) in 2021, with intentions to serve more people because she believes that everyone deserves real confidence, real satisfaction and real orgasms. As a sexual assault survivor, a modern woman, and a therapist she combines personal and professional experience to best serve her clients.